


More Than Meets The Eye

by Diamondsdontshine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Bully Lucifer (Supernatural), Bullying, Child Abuse, Depowered Lucifer, Drug Use, Fear, High School, Hurt Lucifer, Loneliness, M/M, Mark Pellegrino - Freeform, Protective Sam, Samifer - Freeform, Serious Feelings, Violence, Young Lucifer, Young Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-10-26 15:09:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 39,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10789170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diamondsdontshine/pseuds/Diamondsdontshine
Summary: >>Currently being rewritten!<<Sam's living the ordinary life, studying at a ordinary highschool, having (somewhat) ordinary friends. That's until his eyes meet the one and only, walking cliché, high school badboy; Luke. Sam can't stand the guy, and has to admit he scares him, just like the rest of the school, quite a bit. After hearing some things about Luke's upbringings, Sam takes interest in the blond, violent, bully. Before he knows it, he's in too deep.





	1. There's a storm brewing

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> This is my first fanfic ever. I'm planning to continue this one, but I'm not really sure if its good enough. After reading other people's work, I have kinda gotten scared. Well, Yolo right? 
> 
> Let me know if you find some errors, or if you have some feedback!
> 
> Diamondsdontshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I have started rewriting every chapter. It's been a while since I have written it, but I can't find myself to completely let go.   
> So yeah, Welcome to More Than Meets The Eye! I hope you like it.
> 
> p.s. Rewriting should take me some time so yeah... this might take a while.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

**Chapter one: There's a storm brewing**

 

Maths. Sam sat in the middle of the classroom, bored out of his mind, tapping his pen on the table. Gabriel, a friend, and classmate, sitting beside him, punches his shoulder lightly ''Stop that dude, it’s annoying as hell''. Sam sighs and rolls his eyes.  
''this is just so boring man, I already know this stuff. Can’t Mrs. Wood just let me go home or something?'' he answers in a hushed voice accompanied with an eye roll.   
  
Currently, Sam and Gabriel are positioned on the side of the classroom, against one of the many white, yellow-ish walls, filled with cringeworthy posters about the beauty of maths. Gabriel snickers, and moves a few inches towards Sams' ear.  
''Not everybody’s as smart as you, Sammy. And that just doesn’t sound fair. We’ll survive this class together. Oh, and if you want some entertainment, just look at Garth'' he whispers.

Normally Sam doesn’t really give in to Gabriel’s taste of humour, but today he just couldn’t give a shit. Sam’s bored, hungry and overall just tired. So he gives in and turns towards Garth sitting in the back of the classroom, right next to the typical high school bad boy Luke. At first sight, he doesn’t see anything obvious, until he notices Garth trembling. Garth is Luke’s most recent new target. Luke’s not really showing any sign of interest at this point of the class though. He just sits there, slumped on his chair. Sam sighs while shaking his head and turns back in his seat.

Honestly? Sam thinks it’s just cringeworthy, the way Luke portrays himself. He’s always wearing a hoodie covering his blond messy hair, he smokes like a chimney, and he's just about the biggest asshole this school has ever known. Even the teachers have given up on him. The last time a teacher showed any sign of care for Luke, he humiliated her so badly in front of the entire class, that she quit her job. That’s one of the only thing Sam knows of him; His smile is shark-like and his words cut like knifes. Sam is in no way curious to find out if he’s just as scary in fights. Now that he’s come to think about it, Sam doesn’t really know much about Luke. He does know some stuff about the Novaks though.

He knows Gabriel and Luke are in some way related, but guesses that they’re probably just cousins or something. Gabriel has a younger brother called Castiel. Sam and Castiel are both in the same year, and are both following some advanced classes. The classes from their own year were too easy and Sam started getting demotivated, so they switched him and Castiel to a higher year in maths.  Gabe, Dean, and Luke are all one year older than Sam and Castiel. Usually, Castiel’s in this class too, today he’s ill though.   
  
Sam sighs and changes the way he sits for what feels like the 100th time. He’s now facing Gabriel, who is busy smashing his pen to pieces on his desk. He lets his mind wander for a minute when he suddenly sees Luke smiling the notorious, shark-like smile towards Garth, making Sam roll his eyes in annoyance. He turns his face away though, not wanting Luke to notice.  
Then there are the rumours about Luke. Sam has heard most of them, everyone in school has; drug dealing, drug addict, violent, criminal, etc. People, including himself, are generally scared of him so they just leave Luke be in peace. Or violence, whatever you want to call it.

''Sam? Damn I know he can be kinda breath taking, but generally more in a scary, dangerous way, you know?'' He heard Gabriel whisper. Sam lightly shakes his head. Damn, he must have been staring subconsciously.

''Come on Gabe, you know I don’t swing that way, and that would be just weird. Yeah poor Garth though, he looks so scared''. Gabe snorts and just when he’s about to answer, Mrs. Wood speaks up. ''Well since at this point half of you guys aren’t even listening anymore, let’s just call it a quits. Don’t forget your homework. The deadline is on Wednesday!''.

 

Sam and Gabriel jump from their seats and make their way through the now crowded hall.

''Hey man, wanna sit outside for lunch? I could use some non-sweaty, fresh air, and I really need to shake off these toxic math theories. Man, who needs them anyway?''. Sam just smirks.  
''Yeah sure, let’s sit outside so we can watch your cousin go all bad-boy on Garth. Sounds like fun''. It’s needless to say, but Sam’s just not in the mood today. You see, the Novaks generally don’t talk about themselves or their upbringings. They’re just barely acknowledging each other’s existence and while Sam knows that reminding Gabe that Luke’s in some way related to him ticks him off, he just can’t help himself.

''Yeah not cool dude. I’m not responsible for the grave he’s digging for himself. Let’s go''. Sam lets this sink in for a second but then pushes it aside. Maybe one day they’ll be able to actually talk about more than candy and hot girls. Today’s not the day though. Sam lets himself be dragged outside and drops next to Gabe on the grass. The grass’ is warm and Sam immediately lays down and closes his eyes. He sighs contently when he hears Gabe talking again.  
''You really that tired? You know, it must be something with this place. It just sucks the life out of you. Or is it because you're hooking up with that blonde chick again. What was her name? Jane? Jess? Hey, remember that one time when – ''. That’s about the part where Sam dozes off. It doesn’t take long before he gets pulled out of his slumber by the ringtone of his phone, though.  
  
''Sam? Were you even listening? What is it with you today? You know, I might as well start talking to this tree. At least it’ll give me more feedback than you have given me today'' Gabriel says accusingly while vividly motioning towards the tree, trying to actually keep his lollipop into his mouth. Sam mumbles something apologetic while opening the new text message from his inbox.

_Dean: Smmy, dad’s left for work. Emergncy or somthng. He’ll be away for 2 weeks tho. I’ll do the groceries for the nxt 3 days._

Sam sighs while he drags a hand through his brown, almost floppy hair. John’s gone again. Sam doesn’t want to nag, but John leaves way more often than he used to. He sometimes misses his father. He, Dean and their father get along well. It’s just that John has quite a busy job, being somewhat of a businessman. Sam honestly doesn’t even really know exactly what John does, but it has something to do with deals and money. 'Grownup-stuff', as dad likes to call it. Sam does not feel that bad about it all though, he likes having the house for him and his brother alone. Nevertheless he can’t push aside the tiny yet persistent sting of disappointment. He really thought he’d be home longer this time.  
  
The bell rings and Sam reluctantly gets himself up.   
''I'll speak to ya later Sammy, maybe we can hangout at my house after surviving this hell hole? We deserve some candy!'' Gabe offers with enthusiasm that seems to come naturally for him. Sam nods, they plan their meeting spot, and he's off to PE.

 

PE is boring, as usual. Sam doesn't really hate sports, he just strongly dislikes the people he's supposed to sport _with_. At times like these he wishes he would actually spend all classes with Dean or Gabe. While lazily passing the ball to one of his classmates, the principal walks in. Everybody stops playing and watches the stern-faced guy named Zacharia, not sure what to expect. It's not really usual to have the principal walk in in the middle of class. Sam didn't know it was possible, but Zacharia looked even sterner than he usually did.   
He walks up to the PE teacher while whispering something in his ear, pretending he doesn’t notice the sudden silence in the room. Sam strains his ears, just like other classmates, but he's not able to catch any words. He does hear a name, though; Luke. He’s apparently not the only one who heard the name drop, and people are already busy whispering to each other, probably assuming. Then the PE teacher starts speaking again.

''Okay guys, that's it for today. There's an... emergency I have to take care of. You guys are free to go'. The teacher doesn't even take the time to properly finish his sentence and is already halfway to the door. People start cheering and by the time everybody's done celebrating, Sam has already changed into his normal clothes, about to leave. That's when he hears a commotion coming from down the hall. He might come off as a very controlled person, but this time he can't restrain himself and his never-ending curiosity.

He sneaks down the hall, walking towards the office where the sounds come from. The closer he gets, the better he can hear the sounds; someone is screaming and cursing with such intensity that it echoes through the entire hall. Just when he's about to 'casually' walk past the office, Luke's being dragged out by three teachers while violently kicking around. Sam freezes while he watches the scene in front of him. Luke's face has gone red from yelling and kicking and when he opens his eyes, Sam can see that his eyes spit fire. It scares Sam. It's a look that becomes even scarier when it's coming from Luke. For a split second, they make eye contact. Sam's frozen on the spot, and Luke’s whole demeanour seems to change for just a second. Was that shame? Did Sam really see shame, coming from those icy blue eyes?

The bully is being dragged off, repeatedly pushing the men dragging him into the lockers on the sides of the hallway. Sam doesn't really notice any of that though, the only thing he notices is the fact that he's intrigued. He didn't know one person's eyes could hold so many emotions, he never knew someone could radiate of so much strength and anger. Of course, he had seen Luke angry before, but most times he’d get away from that as fast as he can. Hazy Sam walks outside and takes place on one of the benches in front of the school. There he waits for Gabe to be done with class, while letting his thoughts roam free through his head.

 

*************

After politely making some small talk with Gabe's older brothers Michael and Raphael, the two boys decide to play X-box in Gabe's room. Sam is glad he passed the older brothers. They're not really the most comfortable kind of people to be around. Their strong gazes can come off as quite intimidating. They're really interested in how Sam's doing though, he knows that. It's just a bad feeling he can't describe.

While they're chilling in the brightly coloured beanbags, Sam notices that Luke's still on his mind. That little moment between the two of them did something to him today, and he doesn’t know what.  
''Hey Gabe, isn't Luke around the same age as Michael?'' Sam asks as innocently as possible. He tries to play it casual and keeps staring at the screen in front of him, even though he feels Gabe suddenly watching him.  
''Why?'' he slowly asks, suspicion creeping through his tone. Sam looks down for a second, then meets his eyes ''I don't know, just curious.'' he mumbles while tapping the buttons on his controller.  
He feels like he’s walking on eggshells, while trying to act as casual as he can.

Gabe stays silent for a while, and Sam's honestly afraid that he has crossed a line. They've known each other for over three years now... he has the right to know a bit more about Gabe... right? Then Gabe hesitantly speaks up.  
''Michael is just a year older than Luke. Michael's 18, Luke is 17 years old''.  
''Oh... okay then'' Sam answers. He's not sure why, but he can feel a sense of embarrassment creeping over him because of the question. Did he go too far?

''I'm sorry man, it's just... I never really hear anything about your family and well... we both know that a few of your family members have a... reputation. If you know what I mean''. At this point, it's blatantly obvious that he's hinting towards Luke. Gabe sighs.  
''I know, it's not really a topic I usually talk about. it's kinda normal in my family to... keep personal things...personal''. Sam nods and makes an attempt to continue their game.   
  
''Luke used to live here'' Gabe suddenly says. Sam looks up with a hint of surprise because of the sudden shared information.  Gabe, obviously surprised by his sudden reveal, drops his eyes to his feet.  
''Oh... he did?'' Sam asks carefully. Gabe sinks further into his brightly green beanbag, sighs, and then pauses the game.   
''He... the way he acts at school, at home it was even worse. It came to a point he got kicked out by our father, when he was still present, and he moved to our uncle. I can't really explain, but it was a big fucking deal. You see, this family doesn't split. So when this all happened... let's just say, some serious shit went down. None of us have really spoken to Luke ever again, really..''.

Sam lets this sink in for a moment. He never really looked at Luke from a humanlike perspective. One day he just labelled him as a 'dangerous bully', and it hadn't changed ever since. Until now. 'Apparently, there's more than meets the eye' Sam thinks. He’s not completely surprised by the fact that the Novak family shares a house with cousins too, though. They do tend to come off a bit… cult-like at times.   
  
Gabe coughs one more time, slowly starting to speak, ''This has to stay between us though. If Luke finds out I've been talking about him... I don't know man, just don't wanna risk it''. Sam nods with understanding and soon they pick up playing the game again.

 

He leaves the house with one thought on his mind; Who is Luke? And how is he going to find out?


	2. It's rumbling in my belly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke's P.O.V

**Chapter 2: It's rumbling in my belly**   
  


Fucking Crowley. Again. Luke wasn't entirely sure _what_ had ticked him off this bad today, but he assumed only seeing Crowley's face was enough for him to flip shit. It certainly didn't help that he hadn't eaten since yesterday morning and that he hadn't had some shut eye last night at all. He was just enduring his classes, like any other day, when Crowley walked up to him during lunch. He didn't know why but he was set to find out the reason behind Luke's bruises.

You see, not that many people actually see them because he's always sure to wear a hoodie and cover his head and arms with it. Crowley has seen the bruises and marks several times though, during their exchange in weed. It's not actually that hard to spot the marks and all, it's just more that nobody really ever sees Luke from up close. Most people tend to stay away from him. Not that he minds, he's content that way, after all, he's worked his ass off for it. The bullying, the violence, as long as it keeps people away. And it works, even though he has only switched from high school three times. That's not that bad at all. He's not sure why, but he notices some of the teachers at this high school are having a bit of a soft spot for him. It annoys him, he detests it. It makes him uncomfortable to have someone to care... for him.

Why would they? He's pretty worthless and he's aware of it. It's not like he minds, he can pretty much live his life with this fact.  


Okay, to go back to the incident this afternoon; Luke flipped. Before Crowley could finish his actual question, Luke had grabbed him by his throat, violently pushing him up to the wall. They were at their usual dealing spot, behind the bleachers. Nobody ever really gets there, because of its... shady reputation, so it's the ideal spot to deal and smoke some weed. The shady reputation part is probably his doing, anyway. From that point on though, he only remembers certain fragments.

He remembers hearing the school bell, indicating that their next class would begin at any moment. He remembers vaguely seeing blood on his hands. And the last thing he remembers is the feeling of several strong hands on his shoulders and arms. It scared him. He couldn't help but think it was his uncle, Uriel.

He tried with all his strength to get free from the adults, but he doesn't succeed. What feels like an eternity later, he 'wakes up' in the office of Zacharia. Zacharia is a good friend of his uncle Uriel. That might explain why Luke's still welcome here.

''Luke, what you did to Crowley is unacceptable. Don’t worry, the school nurses are taking care of him though. What _possessed_ you?'' Zacharia asks with his usual stern, serious face. Luke looks around, disoriented. He could have sworn he was at home with Uriel just minutes ago. What happened? He notices himself shaking and panting. He can feel the sweat sticking his hoodie to his chest. He tries to narrow his eyes, which are huge, but he doesn't succeed. His breathing is picking up again, and he honestly tries to control it. But before he knows it he's hunched over his knees, panting and wheezing.  
''Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't you fucking dare to cry now, you worthless dumbass'' He keeps repeating to himself. He hears some sounds in the distance as he tries his hardest to focus. ''...worried about you'' he vaguely hears. Then it suddenly looks like time's standing still again, with only Zacharia and himself in motion. His eyes zeroed in on Zacharias’ mouth, like he’s ready for a fight.

''I know Uriel has been having a hard time...'' he hears Zacharia reasoning. That's when the lights switch off again. Before Luke's even realizing it, he's being dragged out of the office. At first, he doesn’t understand, but soon he comes to the conclusion that the noise he’s hearing is coming from his own mouth again. He tries to regain control but with the black spots in front of his vision, and the anger that's surging within him, he can’t find himself to calm down.

That’s when he meets a pair of eyes. It almost feels like he’s being sucked into them. For maybe only a second or two the world stops turning. He blinks confused and that’s when everything returns back to ‘normal’. By the time they’re at the front of the school Luke’s aware that the men holding him are a few of his teachers. He searches for a familiar face, but all he can see are wide eyes and students whispering at each other. Before he knows it he’s being put in a police car. Everywhere around him are people, hands, and noises. Luke can’t deal with the stimuli anymore, and he surrenders himself. He hears the car door next to him being slammed shut, and recognizes the interior of the car as a police car. Defeated he lets his head fall back. It’s getting too much, or better said; it became too much.

Let’s get back to the present though. Luke’s still sitting on a bench in the police station. He only just got his hands free and annoyed he rubs his wrists. Luke’s tired. It has been one hell of a day, people keep looking at him with accusations written all over their faces, and yet the only thing he worries about is going home. A man dressed in uniform walks up and lowers himself in the seat in front of him.

‘’You’re free to go. We do need to express our worries, though. We will let you go for now, but one more violent act and you will be confronted with the consequences. And I don’t think neither of us wants that, so you better lay off for the next few months. Or years.’’ The agent, visibly bored, adds. To be honest, the agent looks like he doesn’t even believe it himself that Luke will actually lay off the violence for that long.

Luke nods but doesn’t stand up.

‘’Oh, yeah, we tried to call you dad-‘’  
‘’Uncle. He’s my uncle.’’ Luke interrupts bluntly.  
‘’Yeah, uncle. We weren’t able to get him on the phone, so you’ll have to find a way to get back home, I’m afraid.’’ This is mostly the point where the person adds an invitation or suggestion. It stays quiet.  
‘’Yeah he’s on a business trip. Bye.’’ He answers shortly and walks off.

 

It took him 50 minutes, but he’s finally home. It’s already getting dark outside and Luke again wonders how this day could have turned so badly. Exhausted he drags himself upstairs to the bathroom. Just when he’s about to take a shower, he stops himself. Luke slowly turns around, towards the mirror, and he starts inspecting himself. He watches his blond messy hair, sticking everywhere. He sees his blue, harsh eyes. Slowly he lets his eyes go down, towards his arms, chest, and legs. He doesn’t like what he sees. Dozens of blue/purple-ish spots, angry red marks, and scars. He’s covered in them. Luke quickly looks away and makes his way to the shower.

‘’Let’s try to forget about those.’’ he mumbles out loud, while trying to decide between some weed or a bottle of Vodka. For just a second his thoughts lead him to Crowley. He can't find any reason to give a damn though, so he turns on the shower and closes his eyes.

 

*******************

It’s 10 p.m. He is sitting in the chair in the middle of the living room, a bottle of some cheap kind of vodka in front of him. He downs another gulp, while letting his head fall back onto the chair, letting out a long sigh. He feels the alcohol flowing through his veins. That’s a good sign, he thinks to himself. Suddenly the pair of eyes from that afternoon flash through his head again. He was stunned. He was actually _stunned_ for a few seconds. How could he let that happen?

Feeling  the resentment towards himself rising, he brings the bottle to his lips. ‘’Only a few more sips and I’m gone’’. He takes a swig from the bottle and let it drop onto the floor.

For only a second he muses about how pathetic he must look, alone and drunk in the middle of a dark livingroom. Doesn’t matter; another day survived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this chapter I'm kinda done with the introduction. From there on I'll start with a more in-depth storyline :)


	3. It settles in my bones

Chapter 3: It settles in my bones

Sam’s P.O.V.

 

After Sam came back from Gabe, he ate together with Dean and his friend Castiel. Sam really likes Castiel, so he didn’t really care when he found the two of them in the living room. They decided to order some pizza and ate together while watching the Ghostbusters on TV. Sam really likes seeing Dean and Cas together. It may sound weird, but they share some kind of chemistry which is really interesting to watch.

This might be typical for Sam though, he loves observing people, it’s kinda what he does. There was something different though. Sam couldn’t help but feel some kind of tension hanging in the air. At first, it made him feel uncomfortable like he did something wrong. Later he found out the tensions were between Dean and Cas. Sam kind of felt the need to give them some space, in case they’ve been wanting to talk or something, and he went upstairs with the excuse he’s tired (which he absolutely was). While sitting on his bed, he suddenly gets reminded of his sudden interest in Luke.

‘’Really Sam? Of all the people in school, you’re choosing to have an interest in _Luke_? For god’s sake, why?’’ he thinks to himself. Sam lets out a deep sigh and lowers himself against the wall he’s sitting against. He looks at his legs lying in front of him. He used to hope that he’d get tall, as soon as he’d enter puberty. This was not what he was hoping for, though. He’s only 16 years old, and already 6’1.

He lets his thought process wander off to all kinds of topics, ending with his mom. While fiddling with his blanket, he tries to remember her face. It’s a painful moment every time again, because he can’t. He can only recall her face from the picture he carries in his wallet. He lets out a deep sigh and decides to just try to go to sleep. He can’t shake the fading face of his lost mother from his mind, though. Just as he can’t let go of all that has happened after her death, that he does remember. Sam closes his eyes and pulls up his blanket. Maybe if he covers his head with the blanket, the thoughts won’t find him. And every night again, he finds out that it doesn’t work that way, and every night again he’s scared, that it might never will.

 

*******************

‘’Sammy, come on, wake up, we need to leave man!’’

Sam tiredly grumbles something unintelligible while slowly forcing himself to sit up. Dean’s already left from the doorway, and Sam can smell the scent of bacon coming from downstairs. This might motivate him a tiny bit more to actually get up. Within minutes Sam has dressed, combed his hair, and is standing in the kitchen.  
‘’Dean, this is heaven’’ he mumbles with a stuffed mouth. Normally it’s Dean who stuffs his mouth till there’s more falling out than actually entering his throat. But today, Sam decided, it his day! He doesn’t really know where he found this new motivation, besides from the bacon, but he embraces it for as long as it’s there.

*******************

‘’Gabe! Hey, how are you today?’’ Sam waves while he jogs towards the smaller, brown-eyed boy.  
‘’Well Well, look who we’ve got here, it’s Samshine! I knew you were hooking up with Jess again!’’ is the answer. Sam slows down to a normal walking pace while obviously displaying his confusion.

‘’What? Why else would you be so happy all of the sudden? Ohhh, I know know, you havin’ a new crush?’’ Gabe offers excitedly. That seems to shake Sam awake.  
‘’What? Crush? Nah man, don’t have time for that. I just… slept really well last night, I guess.’’ He smiles. Gabe raises his eyebrow while suspiciously studying his face.  
‘’Okay then… I’ll see ya at lunch right?’’ Sam gives him a reassuring smile and walks off.

 

While entering the biology classroom Sam spots Cas sitting by himself. He immediately walks towards the empty seat next to the blue-eyed, raven-haired boy, unceremoniously dropping his back on the table.  
‘’Hey man, how are you doing?’’. Cas absently looks up at Sam, then presses his mouth into a smile.  
‘’Just fine Sam, how are you?’’. There’s this bad feeling again, the tension he had felt the night before.  
‘’Yeah, doing well. Hey Cas, can I ask you something?’’ he hesitantly asks. Just when Cas is about to answer, he gets cut short by the teacher, who starts rambling about homework not being made, and such kind of things. Sam smiles apologetically and focusses on the class. He’ll ask Cas about it another time.

He can’t help but to sneakily look at Cas for a second, though. And he also can’t help but notice the bags under his eyes. That’s weird, he noticed Dean being tired this morning, too.

‘’ Hey Cas’’ Sam whispers. Cas looks at him with a questioning face and nods once.  
‘’Did you and Dean have a row last night, or something?’’ as soon as the question leaves Sam’s mouth, he feels stupid. He can slowly see the frown on Cas’ face begin to form, while he narrows his eyes.  
‘’Why do you ask?''. Sam blushes slightly and looks at his hands on the table in front of him. He thinks for a moment, then leans towards Cas again

‘’I don’t know man, I’m probably just wrong, but I kinda…’’ he has to stop whispering there for a second, because of the teacher making eye contact. Sam waits for a few seconds and then leans back towards Cas  
‘’I kind of sensed this tension between you guys… and you look so tired and- Sorry, I’m just being nosey’’. Cas chuckles slightly, even though Sam notices how quickly the smile disappears, and answers ‘’Yeah, you’re right about the tension. We didn’t have a row though… just… Dean will tell you’’ and that’s it.

Cas isn’t really a dominant person (at all) but he can be if he wants to. He sits back up straight and focusses his eyes on the teacher in the front of the room. Sam gets the hint and looks back at his hands. What could be wrong between the two of them?

************************

It’s lunch and Gabe, Cas, Sam, and Dean are all sitting together underneath the tree outside. It’s just like any other lunch, really. Gabe is rambling about one of his many crushes, balancing a lollipop between his lips. Cas politely acts like he listens even though he’s focussing on Dean, and Dean just throws in some jokes here and there. It’s actually really nice, Sam realizes. As he looks at the three of them, he discovers that he really does feel happy at the moment. That moment is kind of ruined when he sees Crowley awkwardly limping across the field, heading towards the group.

 

Crowley and Sam… they can’t really get along, but it’s not actually that bad either. Since Sam’s in a good mood, he waves over to the limping guy in the long black coat. Crowley frowns for a moment because of the sudden happiness, but then decides to just keep on walking towards the group of four. Gabe and Dean are already in such a deep conversation, that they don’t notice the new presence. Cas does though, and quietly make place for Crowley to sit. Crowley manages to sit painfully slow and he drops his backpack in front of his feet.

‘’Well hello there. Guess at least some people are able to enjoy the weather’’ he states in his usual, grumpy voice.  
‘’Damn Crowley, what happened to you man? What’s up with your throat? And your leg? Is that a black eye? Damn dude, what did you get yourself into?’’ Sam voices his concerns, only now seeing the state he’s in. Again, Sam doesn’t really care that much for Crowley, but he can’t deny he’s curious. Crowley returns one convincing bitch face, but then sighs.

‘’It’s that great, lovely, cousin of yours’’ he says. This makes Gabe quiet down and Cas look up with wide eyes. It’s silent for a moment until Dean gets impatient and rolls his eyes, motioning with his hand to keep on talking. Crowley rolls his eyes in return and starts again.

‘’Luke. I don’t know what happened, but he really lost his shit on me. I didn’t even DO anything wrong! I was just making a formal conversation and well… I mean, he really _looked_ psycho. Thought for a second that I wouldn’t make it out alive, to be honest. I had to yell for five minutes straight until someone noticed us and called the principal. The fucker.’’ Crowley complains. Gabe and Cas have gone awfully quiet, both denying eye contact. Sam though, seeing the perfect opportunity to learn more about the guy in question, keeps on asking out of pure curiosity.

‘’What made this different from all the other moments his violent, though? I mean, he’s just a bully’’ Sam has to contain his disapproval, just for Cas and Gabe’s sake. Crowley raises his eyebrows for a second but actually starts thinking about it. All the while, Dean’s frowning at Cas, Cas is frowning at the grass, and Gabe is suddenly extremely interested in a cloud passing by.

‘’You know, normally you can still… _communicate_ with him. At least, when he bullies others, he’s still in contact. This time… I mean, doesn’t the fact that I am the victim already say enough to you? He never touches me. The guy is completely dependent on me for fuck's sake! Anyway, this time he just looked like he was… not there. His eyes… I don’t know, he just went mental.’’ Crowley concludes while waving the last part away.

Sam can’t help but to think; Where’s Luke now? What ticked him off? What does Crowley mean about Luke being dependent on him? He decides against it, though, and focusses on the two eerily quiet brothers.  
‘’Guys? You okay?’’ he hears Crowley huff while standing up again and coolly walking away, apparently not satisfied with their response. The brothers look up, then at each other.

‘’Yeah fine, just fine. Was just… thinking’’ Gabe tries with one of the least convincing smiles Sam has ever seen on him. Sam frowns and questioningly looks at Cas for answers. ‘’It’s nothing, Sam, just… when you hear stuff like that about your… family, it makes you think. Would do the same to you if this was about one of your cousins, right?’’ Cas answers seriously. Sam slowly nods, not really buying into it, while returning his attention to Dean. Dean coughed

‘’Let’s go, guys, class will start in a minute’’ without really making eye contact. Sam suddenly feels alone, isolated. It feels like everyone around him shares something he doesn’t have. As if everyone knows something he doesn’t. Sam tries to shake off the feeling, comforting himself with the idea that it’ll be his goal to find out more about Luke. Apparently, he’s missing out on something big.

While the group enters the building, they can sense the tension coming from down the hall. That’s when they see Luke standing by his locker. If people weren’t already avoiding him, they would be now. Sam can see the moment that the students walk past Luke. Their shoulders pull up, and their eyes become big. It almost looks like they’re passing a monster for crying out loud. Sam there and then realizes that he isn’t that afraid of Luke, at all. At least, not like all the other students seem to be. He just can’t buy into the whole ‘bad guy’ vibe.

Luke brings a hand to his messy blond hair and looks down the hall. His sharp eyes look like laser guns, eliminating everyone getting in touch with it. That’s when he spots the group of friends, walking towards the part of the hall he’s at. Sam can see Luke’s eyes finding Gabe and Cas. Luke keeps staring, almost numbly, towards his family, but then moves his eyes towards Sam. Sam feels his heart stammering, and he’s almost starting to feel scared. That’s when Luke smiles a huge, shark-like grin, and Sam feels like the ground beneath his feet is disappearing. Just when he’s about frown, Luke returns his gaze towards his locker and continues packing his books in his bag. Sam doesn’t really notice at first, but the group had already split and waved their goodbyes. Sam looks as they blend into the crowd.

‘’What was that? What is happening? Why did he smile?’’ Sam panics. He figures that he at least should _try_ to look cool, so he just keeps on walking towards the back of the building. His class is cancelled due to the teacher being ill, so he plans to just lay in the grass, behind the school. Nobody really ever goes to that part, since it’s not really being maintained. But Sam likes the peace and hurries to the field.

 

When he arrives he lets himself fall down on the warm grass, dropping his backpack next to him. He lets out a deep breath, but soon notices he’s feeling restless. He hated how Luke still managed to intimidate him. Annoyed with himself for not being able to rest, he stands up again and starts walking across the grounds. That’s how he ends up at the bleachers. During the day, the bleachers and everything surrounding it, are quite empty. Abandoned even. Only to be filled up with people when the evening falls. Sam lets his mind wander while climbing underneath the bleachers. That’s when he suddenly feels himself being pushed backward. He doesn’t know what’s happening, but before he knows it, his breath is forced out of his lungs as he hits the ground. As his heart is racing and his breath hitches, he looks up, trying to find the source of the push. And there he is; standing tall, bending over him, Luke.

‘’What the hell are you doing here?!’’ Luke shouts. Sam tries to find his words while trying to sit up, but he doesn’t succeed. He indeed wanted to discover certain things about Luke, but that didn’t mean it had to happen _today_ , right now. And it definitely didn’t mean that he wasn’t completely scared of him.

‘’I- uh… I was just walking-‘’ Luke kicks him in his stomach and Sam’s hand shoots towards the place where he’s being hit.  
‘’ _Really_? Do you want to start lying now? In front of _me_?!’’ Luke shouts again. That’s when Sam decides he’s had enough. He slowly but steadily gets up on his feet and looks Luke directly in the eyes  
‘’You really don’t want to call me a liar. I was just walking around, some people actually do enjoy life, you know’’. By the look on Luke’s face, Sam immediately knows he’s hit some kind of touchy topic.

‘’Okay sorry man, low blow. You just really scared me there for a sec.’’ Sam tries.  
The blond haired boy stares past him for a few seemingly long seconds, then slowly returns his gaze to Sam. ‘’Just don’t come here. This place needs to stay clean.’’ He mumbles. That's also the moment Sam tries to look at Luke, like, really take a look at him.

The first thing he sees aren't his steely eyes, but _bruises_. Bruises and marks, everywhere. It triggers Sam's curiosity extremely, but he tries to act like he doesn't see them. And honestly, Sam only now just realizes how absentminded Luke always seem to look. It’s the same look right now. Like Sam’s not really in contact with him. Reminding himself that he’s still part of a conversation, he stretches his back up straight.

He then proceeds to snort. ‘’Stay clean of weed? Kinda ironic don’t ya think?’’.  
Luke’s head shoots up and he grabs Sam by the throat. ‘’talk about that one more time, and I _will_ end you.’’ Sam nods, feeling his heartrate quicken again, as he slowly starts backing away.

‘’I won’t talk about it, in exchange of you never jumping on me like that, _ever_ again.’’

Sam really doesn’t know what’s happening, and where he's found the courage to talk like this, but at this point, he doesn’t even really care that much anymore. That’s when it happens, Luke looks up at him again, and Sam catches the glimpse of a smile.  
‘’Deal’’ he chuckles. Sam feels relieve taking over.  
‘’But really, _fuck off_.’’ Sam nods quickly and hurries away. He doesn’t even take the time to look back.  
  
As he finds his a new spot to lay down in the grass again, he thinks to himself ‘’Well… that was the first meeting, I guess. That was… interesting’’.  
Sam can’t seem to forget that smile. Not only because the boy actually _smiled_ , but also because it made Sam aware of the cuts on his lips and the blue spots spreading around the boys eye.

''Would Luke really fight that much? Or is it because of something else?''


	4. It's messing up my head

**Chapter 4: It’s messing up my head**

**Luke’s P.O.V.**

He feels stupid, naked, and even worse; vulnerable. Sam has seen them, he _must_ have seen them. When Luke got a bit lost in his thoughts, he could feel Sam’s’ gaze touching the blue spots on his skin. He could almost _feel_ it, and he hates himself for it. He doesn’t really know why, but it almost feels like he hates himself to an even worse extent now that Sam has seen them.

What is happening? What happened? He smiled at him, at Sam. He knows the boy. He's Deans' brother, Cas’ friend. Luke may not look interested in his surroundings at all, he certainly is. He just doesn’t show it. Why would he? No one showed interest in him either. It would just come off as lonely, or worse, creepy.

But he smiled at the boy… at Sam. Why? Why did he let himself smile in front of a potential enemy? Because that’s what they all are, what everyone is to him; enemies. Friends and family, they don’t exist. He’s definitely learned that the hard way. But he may have been fooled once, he won’t let himself be fooled again. But still… what happened this afternoon? Why did he even agree to a deal?

Luke usually suffers from quite some punishing thoughts towards himself, but this all seems to make it even worse. While he packs up his weed and decides to skip classes for the day, he tells himself to never let himself get distracted by a person again. Because that’s all that happened there. That’s all that Sam was to him; a distraction. Luke’s shoulder immediately relaxed a bit because of this thought, and he smiled. Not his real smile though, he grinned. Towards the kids walking past, towards the teachers hurrying through the halls, he grins at everyone. Because he doesn’t need anybody, and he certainly doesn’t need distractions. He’s got a solution and it makes him content; get rid of the distraction, get rid of Sam.

**************

When Luke woke up this morning with a sickening hangover, he almost thought his morning couldn’t get any worse. As you might expect; it did, definitely, get worse.

While Luke was hunched over the toilet, throwing up only bile, he vaguely hears a car pulling up in the driveway. He immediately spits out the last contents of his stomach, jumps up, and flushes his mouth with water. While looking in the mirror he tries to think of a way to make him look less ‘hangover-ish’. But it was already too late, he hears the front door open and close again, altogether with the sound of a suitcase being dropped onto the floor. Luke quickly puts two fingers to his wrist, trying to find and rate his pulse. But while he notices it's quickening, he hears his uncle screaming from down the stairs.

‘ _’Luke_! Are you still at home? Get your sorry ass out of bed!’’ he shouts with his thundering voice. Luke feels stupidly scared, immediately upon hearing Uriel's’ voice, standing straight. He rushes downstairs, trying to pretend he was already leaving for school. Naturally. While he tries to walk past Uriel as casual as possible, he suddenly feels a hand landing on his shoulder.

‘’I really hoped to get home, not seeing your face. But great, you ruined it. _Again_. Now fuck off before I will make you, _son_.’’ Uriel says menacingly. There’s only one part of that message that truly bothers Luke, one part that truly pushes his buttons;

‘’You. Are. Not. My. Dad.’’ He says while gritting his teeth. Luke’s smart though, and just before Uriel realizes what Luke had been saying, Luke’s already sprinting towards the front door. While he clumsily opens the door, with shaking hands and all, he ducks, barely dodging a glass’ bottle. At this point Luke doesn’t really think no more, he just runs. He runs as fast as he can, not caring about possible onlookers. It’s not like they ever stepped in and helped him.

**************************

While walking back home that afternoon, after processing what actually happened this morning, and this afternoon at the bleachers, he decides to change plans. Luke decides he could use a bit more. A bit more than weed, really. Luke decides to head towards an old ‘friend’, buying something a bit stronger. As Luke walks towards Balthazar’s home, he starts thinking about Cas and Gabe, and the two Winchesters they were with today.

‘Would they be friends? Like, real friends? Is there still nobody who realizes just how _in love_ Dean and Castiel are?’, he thinks to himself.

You see, Luke’s actions may indicate otherwise, but he’s actually pretty damn smart. Not above average, but even smarter. He used to get the best grades in school. That’s until he started to live with his uncle though. That’s also the moment he stopped caring pretty quickly, about pretty much anything. When living causes so much pain, it’s sometimes best to just… turn off.

  
He can’t ignore the nagging ache coming from his belly; he’s hungry. And not only that, he aches for the old times. He can’t help himself. He’s got himself and his emotions pretty much completely under control, but when he starts thinking about the past… he can’t help but feel that ache, tugging at his conscience. Those are also the moments he feels himself being flooded with feelings of loneliness and sadness. He tries to pay attention to other things, like booze, but that just doesn’t always work. Luke himself at this point doesn’t even notice the fact that he’s begun to start walking faster and faster.

Within no time he’s arrived at Balthazar’s’ place. It’s a crappy house, just like Luke’s is. Uriel may work a lot, he also spends it… a lot. While Luke walks down the path towards the front door, he feels like he’s supposed to re-think his decision one last time… he doesn’t.

He bounces with his fist on the door, causing the dirty, crusty paint to fall in pieces of the door, on the ground.  
‘’There’s nothing to find in here!’’ Luke hears, coming from inside the house. Luke rolls his eyes and yells back. ‘’It’s me you jackass, let me in!’’.   
It remains quiet for a while, then there are some stumbling sounds, and finally, the door opens. Balthazar greets Luke with a huge smile and open arms. Naturally, Luke completely ignores the gesture as he walks past Balthazar.

‘’I need something stronger this time, Balt.’’ Luke gets down to business. Balt slowly closes the door while studying Luke extensively. Luke can almost _feel_ it happening, the concern that’s slowly starting to show on Balts’ face. He feels a surge of anger crashing through his body. He remains still though; he needs his stuff.

‘’Balt, cut the crap. Just give me the powder and I’m off.’’ Luke tries to cut off any possible way to start a conversation, but Balt wouldn’t be Balt if he didn’t start it anyway.

‘’Luke you look like shit… how are you losing this much weight? Are you even eating?’’ Balt stutters. He then continues; ‘’Your arms and neck man… what’s with all the bruises? Do I need to arrange something? Protection? I have a few contacts who are more than willing to-‘’   
  
Lucifer crashes his fist down onto the wooden table, standing in between the two of them. Balt almost jumps a feet in the air, staring at Luke with wide eyes. It remains silent for a while, Luke staring Balt almost out of his own house. Slowly Balt brings his arms up, surrendering.

‘’Okay okay, I’m sorry man. I’ll get you some stuff’’. He looks back at Luke one more time, then quickly hurries towards one of the other rooms. Luke can feel his heart beating almost through his chest, as he tries to calm himself down. He takes a few deep breaths, almost falling backward because of the dizziness. That’s when Balt re-enters the room. He throws a tiny plastic bag with white powder towards Luke, who catches it with ease, almost convincing himself his dizziness is over (which it isn’t, of course). Luke nods and then frowns when he notices Balt’s staring at him with a sad smile.

‘’I don't need money or anything, you can keep it.’’ Luke’s eyebrows shoot upwards.

‘’Just… promise that after you’re finished, you won’t be using it ever again’’ Balt adds, without breaking eye contact. Luke’s swallows, which immediately makes him mad at himself because it makes him seem weak. He nods curtly, stuffs the plastic bag into his pocket, and leaves the house without looking back. Balthazar doesn’t say anything, he just stands at the front door with that same, horrible sad smile on his face. Luke hates pity. It makes him hate himself even more.

Upset because of all the self-hate, Luke can’t wait to take the drugs. He suddenly remembers that Uriel’s home again though, so he changes paths and walks off to an abandoned playground. Nobody ever gets here, because it’s located in the poorest part of the city, and apparently – _obviously_ -, people think that people like Luke are scary.

Luke makes his way over to one of the wooden benches, slumps down and pulls his hood even further over his face. With shaking hands he holds the plastic bag. For a moment he feels one of the many daily waves of nausea come up. He keeps swallowing, trying to suppress the feelings of extreme hunger and sickness. He concentrates on his breathing but soon gives up as he pulls the his hood further over his head and opens up the bag with powder. He improvises a thin line of the white powder on the back of his hand, sighs one more time, and then brings the powder to his nose.

He can’t even contain the pure feeling of power hitting him, and he lets a smile slowly creep on his face. He leans back, legs lying out in front of him. Slowly he looks up towards the sky. It’s raining, but Luke doesn’t care because _nothing_ can touch him now.

 

**************

Luke doesn’t know for how long he’s been laying there, on that cold wooden bench, but he’s sure that at a certain point he can feel two hands tugging at his hoodie. He’s not so sure of this, but he vaguely remembers a voice repeating his name. Everything seems to go in slow motion, every sound seem to be muted. He can slowly feel raindrops, touching his skin. He can feel how wet his clothes are getting. Luke’s doesn’t care though. He doesn’t feel, and that’s all he’s ever wanted.

*************

Imagine Luke’s surprise and terror when the next time he opens his eyes, he's looking directly at a ceiling, lying on a couch. Imagine the terror when he realizes who’s couch it is.


	5. I'm afraid I can't let go

**Chapter 5: I’m afraid I can’t let go**

**Sams P.O.V.**

 

To say that Sam was shocked is an understatement. It was around 10 p.m. when the doorbell rang. Dean was hanging on the couch (not to mention, upside down) and Sam was sitting cross-legged on the floor, reading one of his books from geography at the coffee table.

It was one of those comfortable, brotherly moments between the two. It’s not like they’d often fight or something, but they definitely snap a lot at each other. It was one of these moments where they both felt like they didn’t actually need a father who would be with them all the time. It was one of those moments where they enjoyed the freedom.

Those were also the moments where they would allow each other to know a bit more about each other’s personal lives like Dean just totally rambled about Cas for at least 30 minutes straight. Of course, he rambled completely down-to-earth about their manly-bro-friendship. Of course, Sam didn’t believe it for shit.

It was already dark outside and the boys had both gone through their usual round through the house, locking everything down. It’s not like they live in a bad neighbourhood, -hell, there is one that’s way worse than this one- but it’s definitely not the ‘perfect apple pie family bullshit’ place.

It had been quiet for just a minute when the doorbell rang. Both their heads shoot up, wondering who it could be at this hour. Of course, the boys had learned not to open doors when it’s dark outside. Of course, the boys couldn’t really give a damn. Dean jumps from the couch.

‘’I’ll go check, you stay here. Just in case it’s some nutcase or something’’. Sam’s curiosity makes him reluctant, but he nods. Better not to argue with Dean over a topic such as safety. Then Sam hears the door open. He remains perfectly still, just so that he’s able to hear a bit more of what’s going on. He hears a voice, no scratch that, two voices. At first, it sounds like they’re almost whispering, but the volume gradually increases. In rapid speed, Sam crashes his mind for possible answers. Then he hears a few groans, not sure who it’s coming from. Is there a third person?

‘’Sammy, hold the door open will ya?’’ He hears Dean say from just outside the living room door. Sam jumps up and pulls the door open. The sight he’s greeted with makes him blink a few times with shock. What is Luke doing, being carried by Cas and Gabe?

Sam quickly opens the door as far as possible while Dean closes the front door behind the two boys. Cas is holding Luke’s legs while Gabe is holding his arms. They make some eye contact, agree, and lay him down on the couch, both releasing a huge breath. Only now Sam sees the exhaustion on the faces, but before he can comment on this, Dean starts with a huge frown.

‘’What the _hell_ is going on? Why did I agree to let Luke into our house? Cas you better have an explanation for this. I don’t need that fucker in my house!’’. At this Cas actually proceeds to rolls his eyes while Gabe just stares at the ground radiating discomfort.

‘’Dean… just- just sit down for a sec. You gotta let me explain, and I need you to act tolerant for once’’ Cas answers all stern and serious. Sam raises his eyebrows at his attitude, and can’t help to suppress a smile. The four boys sit down. Sam and Gabe on the ground at the coffee table, Dean, and Cas at the two chairs that are left now that Luke’s occupying the couch.

This is the first moment since they entered the house, that Sam gets the chance to actually look at the boy lying on the couch. It’s weird calling Luke a boy. ‘He’s more a bully or Satan’ Sam thinks to himself. But right now he finds it hard to call him just that. Right now he’s more like a sad pile of rain-soaked clothing.

 

‘’We… we need to tell you something. But you guys need to be open minded in this okay? Just remember… we did what we thought was best… Okay?’’   
Cas’ face is still all business while talking. Dean and Sam both look at each other frowning, then nodding, but too curious for what Cas is about to say.

‘’Yeah, sure Cas, we believe you’’ Sam adds with the sympathy Dean usually lacks in situations like this. Cas and Gabe look at each other with doubt written all over their faces, then Gabe nods too. Cas lets out a deep sigh and rubs his hands together. It remains perfectly quiet for a few seconds, while Cas tries to figure out how to say it.

‘’We… we don’t really talk about our family lives, as you both know by now because a lot has happened. A lot of things of which we are… might I say, ashamed.’’ Cas starts. Sam looks at Dean but finds him staring at Cas with a huge intensity. Sam coughs and brings his attention back at Gabe and Cas, smiling cautiously at the two.

‘’Let’s just begin with… him’’ Cas says while nodding his head in Luke’s’ direction.

‘’Gabe found him somewhere on a playground on the outskirts of the city. And- well maybe you should tell this part, Gabe.’’ Cas states. Gabe nods.

‘’So, I was cycling to Balthy and all, and then, when I got there I immediately noticed Balthy acting strangely. I asked him what’s up and after _a lot_ of pushing he confessed he was worried about Luke. Apparently Luke had been by just an hour before me, and he had asked for ‘something stronger than weed’. You guys need to understand that Balthy doesn’t usually worry. So I asked him where he thought Luke could have gone and I went there. I… found him on a bench at the Oldwood playground. You know, the shady, deserted one. To be honest, I immediately felt like something was off so I threw down my bike, ran up to Luke and well… I called Cas and now we’re here.’’ Gabe rambles. Sam doesn’t get it and looks up at Cas, eyes full of questions.

‘’Why do you both care, though? I mean, it’s … Luke’’ Dean says, apparently stating something obvious. ‘’I know he’s some faraway-cousin, but with the stuff he’s pulled I didn’t think you guys wanted to be associated with him, right?’’ Dean adds with a frown.

Cas sighs, carefully avoiding eye contact with Dean. ‘’And now we get to the hard part. You see, Luke… Luke is our brother. He… he lived with us until his 14th.’’ Cas mumbles while looking down at his feet.

‘’Holy- _what_?! _This_ guy- your _brother_?! _How_?’’ Dean immediately answers full disbelieve.  
‘’Hey he might come off as an asshole, he has his reasons, okay?’’ Gabe snaps. Dean frown deepens as he looks back at Sam, eyes filled with pure confusion.

‘’Why didn’t you guys ever tell us? And how is he doing now? I mean, I take it that he’s high or something? Why didn’t you bring him back to your house?’’ Dean fires at the two. ‘’Luke’s on heroin, as we gathered from Balthazar. He will be fine, but he’s too far gone to just be on his own outside.’’ Cas gravely answers.

‘ _’Heroine_?!’’ Dean shouts with huge eyes.

‘’What the fuck is happening here?! I honestly don’t get it Cas, all of the sudden we have the high school asshole crashing on our couch high on freaking _heroine_?!’’ Dean shouts, waving his arms towards the lump on the couch.

‘’Dean maybe you should stop calling him an asshole’’ Sam quietly mumbles, seeing the pain in Cas’ his eyes. Dean closes his eyes, breathes through his nose, and blows all the air out through his mouth.

‘’Okay. I’m sorry. _Please elaborate_?’’ He says while lowering his volume but still not being able to drop the dramatic arm movements. Cas looks over to Luke for a second, sighs again, and continues.

‘’The reason we brought him here is that we simply don’t know any other place. He… as you now know, doesn’t live with us, Michael and Raphael anymore. We separated quite.. dramatically. Long story short, Michael and Luke ended up in a _huge_ fight, and Luke was the one who got kicked out. It’s been years but Michael is known for being able to hold a grudge, so it wouldn't be safe for either of us all to bring Luke to his house.’’ Cas elaborates. That’s where Gabe adds the other part.

‘’Luke was forced to live with his uncle from the moment he got kicked out. We don’t actually know if he really… went to Uriel, our uncle, immediately the day he got banned. We do know that Uriel… well, he’s a great big back of _dicks_. And yeah, we haven’t heard from Luke since he got kicked out ever again.’’

Dean looks questioningly at Cas, but strangely Cas doesn’t complain about Gabe’s choice of words. So he must agree then.

The four boys all take the time to take a deep breath again, nobody really sure what to say. It remains quiet for almost a minute and Sam looks up at Luke. His breathing is shallow, but that’s about all he can see of him, because of his oversized hoodie and the fact that his face right now is buried into their couch. Something inside Sam stings, as he tries to come to terms with the fact that his ‘subject of interest’ just got dumped on his couch.

‘’Shouldn’t we… I don’t know, check on him? If he’s all right? I mean, I can barely see his face’’ Sam carefully offers. Both Sam and Dean catch the look Cas and Gabe share with each other.

‘’I mean, Sam’s true. I’ve never actually seen like, his whole face’’ Dean adds with a frown.

‘’You’re right. I haven’t seen his entire face either… for at least a few years’’ Cas mumbles while doubt’s filling his words. It stays quiet yet again.

‘’So…should I just…?’’ Sam awkwardly starts. Gabe and Cas both look relieved at his offer, and Sam makes sure to not forget that little fact, maybe for later. Dean’s about to protest, but backs down when Cas gives him quite the terrifying glare.

‘’He isn’t going to attack him, Dean. He might be violent, but believe me, he isn’t stupid.’’.

Sam takes this as the start sign as he quietly stands up and approaches the lump on the couch. Luke’s lying with his knees pressed to his chest, eyes closed, and with his back against the room and the other boys. Silence and tension fills the air while Cas and Gabe unconsciously bend over to have a clearer sight.

He bends over Luke and while he reaches out towards the boys’ hood he notices he’s shaking. He thinks about Cas mentioning he hasn’t seen his entire face in years, and Sam can’t help but to wonder who has actually… _seen_ him in the past few years. With one shaking hand he lifts up Luke’s head, his hair feels terribly cold and wet, with his other hand he pulls off the hood.

‘’How come he has never seen this?’’ Is the first thought that hits him.

‘’Well, from what I can see, he has a black eye-‘’ he states while tilting Luke’s awfully pale face fully towards him. It feels weird, touching the scariest guy you know, but he pushes this thought away. At least he tries to, although he can’t help but notice there’s Goosebumps all over his body. Could this be just because of the physical contact? Out of fear?

‘’Oh, he has two. Two black eyes.’’ He states again, while he hears Dean sucking in his breath.

‘’Well that’s almost an achievement. How did he manage that?’’ he mumbles. Neither Cas nor Gabe answer. They do share another concerned look.

‘’What else do you see, Sam?’’ Cas asks. And for a minute Sam almost laughs, realizing how weird this situation is. He bends over Luke again and tries to roll up his sleeves. It takes him a moment, but what he discovers feels like a hit in the face.

‘’Guys… there are bruises _everywhere_. Like-‘’ he says while pulling the sleeves up as far as possible.

‘’Like, they don’t stop. His arms are blue and green and there are the red marks… His lips are split and this looks like another cut too… This can’t be because of a petty fight between students.’’   
Sam says with worry evident in his voice. It makes Dean look up at him, wary narrowing his eyes at Sam’s tone. Cas sighs, running his hands through his hair, suddenly clearly embarrassed.

‘’Cas, what’s going on here? Please tell us the _whole_ story. It’s too late to back down now guys, he’s already lying on our couch.’’ Dean warns both Gabe and Cas.

‘’We- we have had our suspicions.. about Uriel. He’s known as a very violent, angry man. We knew about his ex-wife, who divorced him after he had almost beaten one of his children into a pulp.’’ Cas confesses. Sam’s eyes are wide open, looking at Cas in shock.

‘’Are you implying that… _Luke’s_ being _abused_?’’ he almost feels weird just saying that. At this point, Gabe’s completely zoned out and Cas gives up on hiding his embarrassment.

‘’We didn’t know what to do… Gabe and me, we were the only ones who still cared about him, but Michael forbid us to talk about Luke ever again. The tension in the house already was so bad… I didn’t… we didn’t dare to voice our opinions.’’ Cas confesses again, now staring at his feet. This causes a lot of indignation with Dean and Sam, but the boys both decide it’s better to not start a discussion about it, at least for tonight.

‘’Okay, maybe we can continue this conversation when Dean and I.. have processed everything?’’ Sam offers. Cas and Gabe nod, both yawning, sudden tiredness dawning upon them.

 

‘’Okay, so I think it’s best for you two to stay with us for tonight. Fortunately, it’s Saturday tomorrow, so when he wakes up from whatever state he’s in, there’ll be you two to… take care of him. Cas you can sleep in my bed, I’ll sleep on the chair.’’ Cas frowns at this.

‘’That won’t be necessary Dean, I’ll sleep in the chair’’. Gabe rolls his eyes at this

‘’Can’t you guys just share a room? Otherwise, this will take us another hour and I’m not sure if I can handle that.’’ He mutters. Sam lets out a snort and offers that Gabe can sleep in his bedroom, just to let Dean know that it isn’t a ‘weird’ not-manly thing to do. Gabe ends up on the floor, Sam in his own bed.

 

Cas and Dean might, kinda, sort of, have shared a bed. What a surprise.

 

****************

The next morning, Sam wakes up hearing voices coming from the kitchen.

For a moment he’s at loss, but he quickly remembers the events from last evening again. Sam jumps up, dresses, and sprints downstairs. He notices that he feels some strange kind of… excitement for the fact that Luke’s in his house. He frowns to himself for that thought, then quickly pushes it away again. ‘It’s around 10 a.m. so that must mean that Luke’s had enough sleep to… sleep it off’ he thinks to himself.

Just when Sam enters the living room, he sees Cas carefully bringing Luke’s’ upper body up, so he can sit. Sam can hear a groan coming from Luke while Cas whispers at him. Dean rushes to Sam the moment he sees him entering the room, wearing a concerned expression. ‘When Dean’s concerned about Luke, it must be really bad’ Sam thinks, and he’s right.

‘’Sam, he’s all white and shaky and-‘’ Dean couldn’t finish his sentence because suddenly Luke’s raspy but harsh voice is all over the place.

‘’Who the fuck took my hoodie?!’’ he shouts so hard that Cas, who was crouching, falls back on the ground from shock.

‘’Luke we- we thought-‘’ Gabe starts, his whole demeanour getting tinier with the second. Sam starts to think of ways to defuse the situation, although he doesn’t really get the chance. Within seconds he hears a dull sound, following by a groan from Cas. Dean’s already running up towards Cas, who is by now completely lying on the ground. Dean runs to Cas and drags him away from Luke. Gabe stands frozen and wide-eyed in the kitchen and Sam feels like he should really start doing something.

So he does the first thing that comes to mind; he hurries up towards Luke, grabbing him by his shoulders and pushing him back down on the couch. He feels Luke’s shoulders tensing even more under his grip, and it takes him quite some strength to push him back down on the couch.

‘’Luke, look at me. Calm-the-fuck-down!’’ he orders while making direct eye contact with the boy in front of him. It’s that one moment where Sam notices too many things at once. He notices that his hands are in direct contact with Luke’s skin, which is disturbingly cold. He notices how the bruises don’t just stop at his arms, but spread across his chest, neck, and shoulders too. He notices the bags under his eyes. But maybe, the most concerning one of all, he notices how _bony_ Luke is. He can feel his shoulder bone directly beneath his hand, he can see his jawline in a way it shouldn’t show. He can see how his shirt falls way to loosely. Sam then notices Luke’s staring. Not at him, but past him. His mouth hangs slightly agape, as he brings a hand to his messy blond hair.

‘’Where is it?! Where’s my hoodie?!’’ he starts to panic. Sam has never heard so much emotion coming from the boy, and Luke seems to realize that, clearly flinching in himself.

Sam crouches down while searching for eye contact with Luke again.  
‘’Luke, I’ll give you your hoodie but…’’ Sam hesitates.  
‘’It’s too late! It’s too late I’m- I’m so screwed’’ Luke’s panicking is getting worse. And while Sam can hear Gabe, Cas, and Dean talking, he decides to shut them out, so he can fully focus on the boy directly in front of him.

‘’Luke you gotta start _breathing_ man, you’ll start hyperventilating if you keep going like this. Try it with me’’ Sam offers, while inhaling deeply, then exhaling. He feels rather stupid, until he notices that Luke’s actually trying, which stuns Sam. Only a moment later he hears Cas, Gabe, and Dean silently leaving the room.

While Luke keeps trying to breathe normally, Sam grabs his hoodie from the hall. One of the boys must have taken it off of Luke before they all went to sleep. Sam quietly hands Luke the hoodie, and he’s never seen someone dress so quickly. Then there’s quiet. It’s almost like Luke didn’t just put on a new piece of clothing, but also a new mask, because suddenly his whole face is neutral. Just like it is in school.

‘’How the fuck did I get here and what do you know?’’ He speaks in a low, almost threatening tone.

‘’What do you mean?’’ Sam asks, lost for words by the sudden change in demeanor.

‘’What do you know about… me? What did they tell you?’’ Luke asks, and while most people would only see the cold icy eyes, Sam can see a tiny bit of panic, still there.

‘’Ehm, does it really matter? I mean… I know that you were on heroin. Gabe found you after Balthazar expressed his concerns about you, towards him. He and Cas carried you to us, and that’s how you got here.’’ Sam sums up.

Luke narrows his eyes ‘’And why didn’t you just kick me out again?’’, suspicion lacing his voice.

Sam sighs. ‘’Listen, Luke, Me and Dean, we know about you being Cas and Gabe’s older brother. We know about you being kicked out and now living with your uncle named Uriel. The other things… nobody told me but… come on Luke, all these marks, and bruises, I just don’t believe they’re there because of some student-fight-thingy, and-‘’

Sam gulps while grabbing the hands holding him up by his collar. For someone who’s this bony and even shorter than him, Luke sure has a surprising amount of strength.

‘’If somebody, and I mean _anybody_ , finds out about all this, I will _end_ you, Sam. Believe me, I will.’’ He threatens while his cold eyes stare him down. Sam quickly nods, just hoping Luke will let him go. Luke suddenly drops Sam back on his knees, while letting himself fall back on the couch. Sam’s still on his knees on the ground right in front of Luke. He starts looking around him, having forgotten about the other three people involved in this situation. He spots Dean just outside, busy talking towards the two brothers, and he assumes that they won’t need him. Sam stands up and sits down on the chair closest to Luke.

‘’Luke, if you ever need… help, or anything…’’ Luke’s head shoots up.

‘’Sam I _literally_ _just_ threatened you and now you’re offering me _help_?’’ he snorts, and it’s the same mischievous smile as the one he showed Sam under the bleachers. Sam can’t help but smile back.  
‘’I know, but, I just…heroin is one hell of a drug, Luke. And I don’t know… I feel like you could do better’’  
  
Sam regrets this as soon as the words are leaving his mouth. He knew it went too far. He knew he shouldn’t express his care like that, or it would scare Luke away. And boy it did. Luke’s smile immediately vanished and his mouth changed into a thin line.  
‘’Don’t you ever think we’re good now Sammy,’’ Luke says slowly while Sam cringes at the name.

‘’I don’t care about the fact that you let me stay, and I don’t care about _any_ of you. You can all fuck off, I don’t need your pathetic help. Now, if you’re a smart boy you’ll keep your mouth shut about all of this.’’

Luke still didn’t break the eye contact and at this point, there wasn’t much of Sam left. Luke had this way of staring, of talking; it could scare a grown man. Suddenly he lays a hand on Sam’s' shoulder, and Sam startles because of the sudden gentle gesture. With wide eyes he stares back at him.

‘’So stick those feelings of care in your ass and tell the rest that they can go _fuck_ themselves,’’ Luke finishes with a sickening sweet voice, pushing Sam roughly from his chair. Sam almost falls off the chair but manages to stay seated. He watches Luke storming off, leaving without looking back.

For a moment Sam can’t move. He feels so incredibly dumb.

 

He ruined it, he absolutely ruined it.


	6. There’s a fire starting

**Chapter 6: There’s a fire starting**

**Luke's P.O.V.**

 

Proudly Luke walked away with his hood over his head and his hands in his pockets. He actually did it, even though it was harder than he expected. But it doesn’t matter how the sight of Sam had brought him back to reality, or how he was able calm Luke down. He pushed another fake away.  
‘That’s all that Sam was, Remember? A distraction, a fake.’ He thought to himself.

Uriel always yelled that he was too dependent on other people, that he was helpless without others, without his brothers. Luke let’s out a chuckle.   
‘He won’t believe what I did. He will be proud of me this time’. That’s also the moment his chuckle changes into a wry smile.  ‘First have to survive coming home after being away for a whole night, though’. He adds. He pushes those thoughts away but already feels himself getting nervous.

He curses at himself, then stops to look around him. It takes him a few seconds, but then he notices he has actually been walking the wrong way. Luke is too proud to just turn around and walk past Sam’s house again, so he decides against it.

He walks further while looking inside the houses passing by, searching for a clock. After several angry faces pointed towards him, he finds a clock he can see just from the outside.

‘Another half hour before Uriel usually wakes up. If I walk quickly, I can make it.’ He calculates. He speeds up, but that also seems to be the moment his body actually fully wakes up. He feels a sharp pain coming from his belly, and his head quickly follows.

Luke actually has to stop walking because of the pain. Panting he slowly lowers himself to the edge of sidewalk, sitting with a groan. It must be the combination of hunger and the hangover from the drugs. This realisation doesn’t help him though, the pain flashing through his body like lightening. He tries to zone himself out, like he does when he’s with Uriel. He keeps staring at a leaf lying on the ground, between his feet. He slowly deepens his breathing and tries to turn his mind off. At first he still notices people walking by, but soon he’s in his own little world. Numbly he stands up, and starts walking again. He can’t ignore the fact that he had to numb his thoughts about Sam more than the pain from his body, though.  


He was even more careful than usual if that was possible. He very slowly opens the door while trying to control the shaking of his hands, entering the house as quietly as possible. He can’t describe the fear shocking through him like thunder when he hears somebody walking through the kitchen. His mind starts racing while thinking of exits. His eyes shoot towards the windows, the stairs, the backdoor. But before he’s able to vanish upstairs to his room, Uriel calls out his name.

‘’LUKE! You _fucker_ , is that you?’’ he shouts from the kitchen. Luke has to push himself with every fibre in his body to walk towards the source of the sound, all whilst he tries not to hyperventilate. He doesn’t dare to answer Uriel so he just waits for a reaction while he appears in the doorway of the kitchen, staring at his feet in defeat.

Then there’s one of those usual quiet moments. They don’t last for any longer than maybe two seconds, but they are fatal. Those are seconds were Luke curses at himself for being a fool, for being who he is. For being _the fuck up_ that he is.

He hears Uriel grumble something and suddenly his head swings back, taking the rest of his body along with it to the ground. It all becomes one big wave of shouts and fists crashing down on him. He can hear Uriel shouting, yelling, screaming how worthless he is. Luke manages to sit back up, but only for a second as he immediately feels Uriel’s firm hands grabbing him by his hair, _dragging_ him towards the living room.

Luke tries to cover his face with his arms but to no avail. Uriel roughly gives Luke’s hair a pull, only to crash him down on the cold tiles of the hallway right after. Hit after hit, he feels his body recoiling from the impact. His ears are ringing from the pain, the shouts, and most of all, the fear. Luke balls his fists while clenching his teeth, trying to deal with the bolts of pain lightening up his body. He can feel his body being pushed into the cold tile floor with every kick and blow. At this point his nails have started bleeding from the pressure and he can feel saliva mixing with blood, leaving his mouth and dripping onto the floor.   
  
Uriel kicks him with the front of his boots in his stomach, and Luke can’t help but to gag.   
‘’You can’t do shit, and you know it! Nobody wants you, you’re disgusting. I shouldn’t even be touching you. You deserve nothing, no one. _Look at you!_ ’’ Uriel yells and it _hurts_. Luke tries to shrink, to make himself smaller, but suddenly he feels a fire lighting from his ribcage. His vision becomes white and blurry, like a blanket pulling over his face. He usually waits for this part. The only thing he can do now is to lay still, either to go out quietly, or to _pretend_. He won’t have to pretend though, the following kick hitting his head does the job.

 

*************

Luke wakes up from the sounds of the front door closing with a bang. He takes a moment to come to his senses. He slowly and painfully swallows, detesting the taste of blood in his throat. He opens his mouth to let in the air, only to end up in a fit of coughing. Slowly but surely he moves his fingers, and when he finally regains feeling, he brings them up to his face. See it as an attempt at damage control. His fingers slowly touch his lips –they’re definitely split-, his eyes –swollen and probably blue-, his nose –still bleeding-, and –thank god- his still undamaged teeth.   
  
He lets out a deep sigh as he then slowly opens his eyes.  
‘Living room. Afternoon. He’s just left’. He thinks to himself, painfully turning his neck, checking his surroundings from where he’s lying.   
He then feels a huge pang going through his ribs, which brings him to the next point of his checklist; injuries. Slowly he starts moving his body, starting from his toes, up to his legs, belly, chest, shoulders, etc. He finds that, besides his face, he’s still too numb from the fear to really scan himself. Slowly he tries to sit up, releasing a groan from pain. He’s been through this phase, the aftermath, a hundred times before. That also explains his clear state of mind, the checklists, and his next priority; getting to his room. But how was he going to do that when his head felt like it was about to explode, and his legs were about to give out?

Luke takes in a deep breath, then slowly gets up. ‘Ignore this. Only 15 steps on the stairs’ he motivates himself.

He finally gets into his room, leaning against the doorpost, then stumbling over to lean against the wall besides the door. Next step; locking his door. This won’t actually do much when Uriel’s mad, but it helps Luke calm down, feeling a tiny bit saver. While blindly reaching out towards the doorknob, feeling the saliva and blood still dripping from his mouth, he manages to lock the door. From there on he stumbles towards his bed. He just makes it, and he releases a breath of relieve for finally feeling the mattress beneath him.

It isn’t a bed really, it’s more a mattress lying on the ground with a thin blanket on it. He doesn’t have a pillow, but he’s already learned himself how to sleep without it. He’s also gotten quite good in sleeping when it’s cold, since his blanket is pretty thin. It’s not like Uriel doesn’t have the money, he has quiet some, he just one day decided he would spend it on anything except for the things that would benefit Luke. So there’s no money for clothes, schoolbooks, food, school trips, etcetera. 

Which means Luke should just get a job, but _surprise_ , Uriel forbade him to earn money by himself. He does earn a bit though, by secretly selling weed behind the high school building. That’s how he prevents himself from starving. The first year Luke lived with Uriel (being the 14 year old that he was) he had often wondered if Uriel would actually let him starve… he would.

Luke doesn’t think Uriel is all bad though. He does give him attention, just not the right kind of attention. Although Luke is sure he doesn’t deserve it either. His father, uncle, and brothers at least told him so.  
  
******************

He remains in his room throughout the weekend, except for half an hour on Saturday evening, when he manages to sell a bit of weed to a group of teenagers, allowing himself to finally buy some food, and eat. He’s not sure if Uriel’s home throughout the days, but he doesn’t dare to actually look for him.  


******************

It’s Monday morning. Luke woke up way earlier than most of his classmates probably do, to check his wounds and make sure he’s able to cover them up. He slowly leaves his bed, bringing his hands to his hair and messing it around. He sighs, unlocks his door, ignores the rush of adrenaline, and hurries towards the bathroom.

Once he’s locked the door, he turns around, looking in the mirror for the first time since Saturday morning. He doesn’t actually look at himself though, he mostly just checks his body for bruises. He carefully pinches with a finger into his ribcage, testing the gradation of pain. After making sure he’s able to walk through school without having it seem like he’s in pain, he leaves the bathroom, grabs his backpack, and leaves.

 

**********

He’d been able to ignore Sam, Cas, Gabe and Dean for almost the whole day. Of course, he’s seen the concerned glances, most of them coming from Cas and Sam. This he finds strange. Why would Sam care? Why would anyone care? He’s also seen the hesitation in their body language, trying to decide if they should come up to him. But Luke is smart and caused trouble every time he noticed their hesitation. That’s also the reason why, at this point of the day, he has already threatened 8 students and 1 teacher with torture. At first, it would flatter him, the fact that they actually believed that he would be able to do such thing upon others.

Then he realized he probably actually would.

 

**********

 

Luke was sitting in detention at the end of the day, not sure why, but he was sure it had a good reason. He looked around and watched the impatient teenagers, tapping their feet on the ground, ticking with their pens on the table. Most of them were trying to sneakily gesture messages to each other.

He sat alone at the back of the class. It’s common for him to sit alone, people are too afraid to sit next to him, so they only do when they’re forced to. Like Garth that one lesson.   
Luke suddenly wishes that he would feel impatient too. That he would like to race home once this is all over, too. But that isn’t the case. He likes being at school, believes it or not. It makes him feel save. No one in this place would ever hurt him the way Uriel does at home.

The teacher then speaks up, telling them it’s time to leave. Luke sighs internally, already feeling the nerves in his belly starting to grow. The students all jump up and loudly leave the classroom. He knows he shouldn’t stay behind that much, because he will stand out, but he can’t help it. As it usually does at this point of the day; the pain is taking over his mind, and he can’t think nor see clearly anymore. He walks as fast as he can, leaving the classroom. The teacher doesn’t look up once when Luke passes, and he feels relieved.

 

He stumbles through the now desolate, long hall. He can hear himself panting, and he knows he’s not walking in a straight line at this point but he can’t push himself anymore. Today almost _broke_ him. But he’s done this before, quite often, and he knows he’s able to pull through. Until he’s home of course, but that’s beside the point.  
  
It may only be 5 p.m., but it’s already getting dark. So when he stumbles through the seemingly never ending, silent hall, he feels something way worse than the pain in his body; loneliness. He feels so lonely it _hurts_. He longs for meeting his brothers again, he wants to be hugged, he wants to share a laugh, he wants his mother back, but that’s impossible. And it’s his own fault.  


It’s dark and rainy when Luke walks home. It usually is a 20-minute walk, but with the state he’s in, it takes him 45 minutes. When he walks into the house he directly notices that Uriel isn’t home. He also notices a letter lying on the doormat, with his name on it. Luke frowns, checking his surrounding again to be sure, then slowly crouches. Curiously he grabs the simple envelope as he can barely contain his excitement.

‘A letter? For me? Who would it be from? Glad Uriel hasn’t seen it yet’. He felt special for a minute. He sits down and pulls his hoodie over his head, letting it dry on the couch next to him. While soaking wet from the rain, with purple lips, he starts reading the letter.

 

Lucifer,

 

I know you will probably hate me for his, but it wasn’t your fault.

 

She died, but that wasn’t because of you.

 

At this point, you’ve made it clear that you don’t want to see me, or any of us, really.

 

I respect that, with pain in my heart. I do want you to know that if you do ever need me, I’ll be there.

 

 

Cas

 

He feels stunned, as if he’d been hit in his face with a brick. For a moment there’s total silence, complete neutrality. Then he notices something changing in his throat. As he’s about to cough, trying to remove the lump, he realizes it’s sadness. But we can’t have sadness in this house, right? So Luke does the only thing he knows, and he’s familiar with, he grabs the vase standing on the coffee table in front of him, and throws it with all of his power towards the wall. The deafening sound does not comfort him one bit, even worse, at this point he’s fuming.

‘‘How _dare_ he?!’’ he shouts at the top of his lungs, balling his fists. He shouts again to no one in particular while grabbing his wet hoodie and ripping it in half in only one try.  
‘’That son of a bitch! Why would he do that?!’’ he shouts while now also kicking the glass table top from the coffee table in half. It’s then that he gets cut off because of headlights shining through the windows from outside.  
  
Luke stiffens, heavily panting. With wide eyes he looks around him, at the living room he pretty much trashed. If his heart wasn’t already pounding before, it certainly is now. There’s no way he can clean this all up before Uriel gets inside. With shaking hands he touches his face, disappointed in himself for feeling wetness on his cheeks. He’d been crying, apparently.

The door then opens and Uriel appears in the doorway, wearing a suit, carrying a suitcase. Uriel stays perfectly still while scanning the living room, and then Luke. All that time Luke stares at the floor, still panting. He only now realizes how crazy he must look; messy hair, red eyes, shaking. Uriel takes a deep breath, and automatically Luke’s shoulders tense up, preparing for the worst. Any rational thought already vanished, he felt completely numb, like his mind is already preparing for the worst.

Then Uriel suddenly starts laughing, and even worse, _clapping_. Still smiling he closes the front door behind him and drops his suitcase in the corner. Most people look friendly while smiling. Uriel looked, kind of like Luke, like a shark about to attack his prey. Unconsciously Luke takes a step back, hitting the couch with the back of his legs. His breathing hitches and he feels trapped . Then the laughing suddenly stops, changing Uriel’s shark-face, to the commonly neutral-face.

‘’Oh luke’’ he snorts while patting his shoulder. Luke can’t help but flinch when his shoulders are being touched.

‘’You’re just as bad as I am. Look at you, look at the mess you’ve made. You’re in no way better than me. Maybe that’s why we ended up together! Because we both deal with feelings the same way.’’ He says sweetly, voice dripping with fake sympathy. Luke’s legs are about to give out and he’s really not sure for how much longer he’s able to keep his breathing steady. His mind quickly manages to remind him of the shape he’s already in, and how disastrous it would be if he would get in trouble again.

‘’Well then, son, I already knew you were a lost cause. I like coming home to this, It reminds me of your incapability of being… worthy, normal.’’ He snorts again. Then in less than a second, he grabs his hair and pulls him down on the ground. Luke whimpers because of the sudden shock of pain and lets himself being pulled down to his knees, just beside where Uriel’s standing.

‘’Well well, what is it that I should do?’’ Uriel asks himself playfully like he’s having the best time ever. Luke feels humiliated when Uriel even proceeds to pat him on his head. Tears are filling up his eyes again.  
‘No Luke don’t, don’t cry. Crying will make it worse. You can cry tonight all you want, but _not_ now!’ he screams to himself in his thoughts. Then Uriel stops patting him and grabs a hand full of Luke’s hair again.

‘’You’re lucky tonight because you actually managed to entertain me. Now get me a beer and clean up this mess. You’re done when I say so.’’ Luke eagerly nods and waits for Uriel to sit down on the couch, so he can stand up.

After serving Uriel 3 beers and half a bottle of Vodka, he is finally allowed to go upstairs. Almost forgetting the most important part, he sneakily walks past Uriel, quickly picking up the letter. He rushes up the stairs and quickly locks down his door. With a huge sigh of relief, he flops down on the mattress. His knees may hurt because he had to clean everything up while crawling, and he may feel completely humiliated, he’s still relieved that he didn’t get a beating. He isn’t sure if he would have survived that one, although he did caught himself rather longing for that too. He’s well aware of the fact that if he would die right now, neither he nor his family would care. It’s not something he would fight, let’s put it that way.

 

While kicking off his pants, he realizes he just fucked up the only hoodie he had. He starts cursing again.   
‘I can’t go out without a hoodie. People will see.’ He miserably thinks. Then he remembers that he’s still got that jacket. It was a jacket he honestly didn’t want to wear, ever again, but it seemed like he didn’t have a choice.

He steps into his ‘bed’ and covers himself with the only blanket he had. It was cold outside, and he immediately felt how cold his body was getting. He pulled the blanket over his head and started breathing underneath it, trying to get it a bit warmer. He was reeling, but his mind was already somewhere else, a place where it seemed to be a lot after the past few days; Sam. Luke tries to scan the boy in his mind, the way he talks, walks, laughs, etcetera.

‘He must be likable, since he doesn’t have any enemies, unlike his brother. He’s smart too, since they share a maths class together.’ Luke cringes when he notices himself only looking at the positive sides of this boy.   
‘I can’t be- oh no- I can’t really be falling for him. Oh fuck I’m so screwed.’  


This too him was only more of a confirmation that he had to get rid of Sam. There was only one problem, or actually, two: Gabe and Cas. They like Sam, and they will probably hate Luke for messing with the boy. He tells himself that he doesn't give a shit, and that he'll think of a plan tomorrow.

'Cas and Gabe can fuck off', he thinks.

 

He afterwards can't explain why he fell asleep holding the letter in his hand, though.


	7. My blood starts boiling

**Chapter 7: My blood starts boiling**

**Sam's P.O.V.**

 

A few days have passed since the incident between Luke and Sam. He’s been thinking about it a lot though, and Sam can’t stand the fact that it seems to be taking over his entire mind. And not just the incident, the moment when Luke pushed him and ran off. No, every little thing Luke does seems to have some kind of effect on Sam. It all started out with just an interest, but at this point, Sam’s not so sure anymore. I mean, he didn’t even know he was into…dudes. Not that he minds, no, but he certainly didn’t see it coming. Especially because it’s Luke.

Sam’s sure Luke was just pushing him away because he got too far into his comfort zone. I mean, from what Sam knows, Luke _really_ has some issues, but he also has no one to talk with. It was an interesting conversation he had when Luke had stormed off and he, Gabe, Cas, and Dean were left. Cas and Gabe really opened up to Dean and Sam. Sam thought it was amazing, it was almost like the two brothers appeared less careful… less stiff, now that they were able to really talk about their family.

But that’s not all that Sam remembers from that particular conversation. Because one moment, while watching the three guys in front of him talking, he realized he has that one thing he always wanted; friends. Like, an actual group of friends. That also the moment that Sam realizes, that he doesn’t feel happy at all, like he should. He still felt like an outsider, like he didn’t belong between the people around him.

It’s a topic he’s been struggling with since a few years now. Sam slowly but surely starts discovering that he doesn’t feel… content with where he lives and what he’s doing. He’s never dared to mention it to his Father, but he always had this big dream of becoming a lawyer. It’s not like John would get mad at him… but he certainly wouldn’t be happy either. John has counted on his sons to take over his old business, now owned by a friend named Bobby. But Sam didn’t want to be a mechanic, never wanted to. Dean does, and that makes it even harder for Sam.

But it’s at that moment, while watching his friends, that he realizes he won’t find happiness in this place. It’s also that moment that he feels even more lost and lonely than he already did.

 

**************

It’s another day at school and everything’s pretty much going as usual. The four of them hangout, Dean and Cas exchange some dubious glances, Gabe is as hyperactive as usual, and Sam’s just… there. He makes the occasional joke, but that’s it. Since he came to the conclusion about his loneliness and the feeling of being lost, he hasn’t been able to… let it go. It’s like he’s stuck in that feeling, that mood, of feeling down. It’s starting to have an impact on him; he doesn’t eat as much as he used to, he doesn’t talk as much as he used to, etc. All just because he can’t find the energy for it. Nobody has noticed it yet, and he hopes it stays that way.

‘Maybe it’ll just all blow over in a few days’, he thinks to himself as he’s lying in the grass, looking at the sky.

‘’Sam? Sammy?!’’ he hears Dean say. ‘’Yeah?’’ he answers while sitting up.

‘’Where are you man? Like, with your head? Is this about that girl, whatshername, Jess? She been hurting you or something?’’ Dean asks with a frown.

‘’It’s nothing Dean, it’s just not my day today. Nothing bad going on here, and you know I haven’t seen Jess in ages’’ he answers with an eye roll.

‘’Yeah well we gotta do something about that, Sammy’’ Gabe smirks.

‘’No we don’t. I can pretty much decide for myself who I’d like to be with’’ he answers snarky.

That moment he realizes he hasn’t seen Luke yet, and his eyes start to wander the terrain in front of the high school. Then, right at the corner of the school, he sees a figure, looking like Luke. His gaze searches for any other details, but Luke’s standing too far away. When his gaze lands back on the group in front of him, he catches eyes with Cas, who’s now frowning at him. Sam starts blushing, scared that he’s been too obvious about his ‘interest’ in Luke.

He quickly starts up a conversation with the other two boys, and after a few seconds Cas joins in again. Sam just prays to god that Cas didn’t find out about anything.

 

*********

It’s almost the end of the day. In only 5 minutes the school bell will ring, and every student will jump from their seat, hurrying through the crowded halls towards their freedom. Sam won’t though, because he’s got an appointment with one of the teachers to talk about the lack of challenge in the lessons. He gets by easy, too easy, and he and the teachers are worrying that it will have a bad influence on him and his motivation. The bells rings and everybody jumps up and starts leaving. Sam smiles up at Cas, who was sitting next to him, and he can see Dean waiting just outside the door for Cas. Sam had told Dean about the appointment and that he would go home on his bike. He didn’t want Dean waiting for half an hour.   
  
In less than 10 minutes, the whole building is clear of students. Sam lets out a deep sigh, realizing he’ll have to wait another 30 minutes for the appointment. ‘Ah well, the weather is good, I’ll just lay down in the grass and read, or something’ he mumbles to himself.

Walking on the fields behind the school, Sam finds a spot and lays down in the grass, just besides a tree. He lets a deep sigh escape his mouth while bringing his hands to his hair. Today has been hard on him. He feels awful, really. It’s like there’s suddenly this gaping hole called ‘future’ that sucks in all the light and perspective. It scares him, that he’s able to feel this bad.

Just when he’s about to nod off, he senses a presence being near. Confused he opens his eyes and looks around. At first he doesn’t see anything, but then he hears a creaking sound. Sam curiously sits up and lets his gaze wander over the back of the building, the field, and the bleachers. That’s when he sees it. Luke’s sitting alone in the middle of the bleachers, his feet on the row in front of him, and his face towards the sky. Sam frowns.

‘Why would he still be here? What’s he doing?’.

Sam feels a internal conflict coming up; he really wants to go up to him, but he’s also really scared after what happened a few days back. He doesn’t want to push him away any further. But… he looks so lonely. Does he sit there every day after school? Images of his bruises start coming back to Sam, and before he even truly realizes it, he’s on his feet.

‘Okay, if you do it, you do it with confidence. Don’t screw this up. No, you won’t, because you got this. It’s not like you’re stalking him or anything like that. It’s just… curiosity.’ He tells himself while crossing the field towards the bleachers. With every step he takes, he can see more details. After around 15 steps he can start seeing the cracking paint on the benches. After 30 steps he can see the rust, taking over more and more of the old colours.

Sam must confess, it was with shaking hands that he approached Luke, who still wasn’t aware of his presence. Wasn’t. When Sam’s only a few feet away from him, Luke suddenly gasps and almost jumps from his seat. He stares at Sam with big eyes, chest heaving. Sam freezes right on the spot, expectantly looking at the other boy.

‘’Jesus _Christ_ , never do that again!’’ He says while taking a deep breath and sitting back down.

‘’Seems like our deal’s now mutual, then.’’ Sam smirks, but only after seeing that Luke has calmed down.

Luke rolls his eyes, but that’s … it. Sam hesitantly lowers himself on a seat next to him, leaving one empty seat in the middle. He’s aware of the fact that Luke would usually start shouting, or worse, start getting violent. Nothing happens though, only a few seconds of complete silence. Sam tries to control his breathing so that he comes off as casual. At this point he’s staring at his shoes, until Luke suddenly decides to speak up again.

‘’What are you doing here, Sam?’’

‘’I have an appointment with one of the teachers in 20 minutes.’’

‘’What are you doing here, Sam. Next to _me_.’’ Luke rephrases while staring at the field laying in front of him.

“Oh, ’’ Sam awkwardly coughs.

‘’I… honestly don’t know. I just thought you looked…’’

Luke looks up expectantly at him and Sam begins to stammer.

‘’I don’t know man. I just felt like coming over here. I mean, I’m alone, you’re alone…’’ and he ends his sentence like the outcome would be a logical thing.  It doesn’t have the same effect on Luke though, since he’s frowning and tilting his head a bit to the side. It shocks Sam how much resemblance he suddenly has with Cas.

‘’Luke _honestly_ , I just thought we both looked…alone. That’s it.’’

Luke narrows his eyes while searching for any sigh of lying. Then focusses his gaze back on the field, while searching his pockets. During the whole process of Luke lightning his cigarette, Sam stays quiet.

‘’It’s bad for you, you know’’ After hearing his owns words, Sam immediately flinches.

‘Way to come off as a goody two shoes, Sam. Great job.’ He sarcastically thinks. Luke snorts in response.

It remains quiet for a little bit longer, with only the sounds of Luke in- and exhaling. Sam finds it kind of comforting, and that creeps him out. After a moment of silence they see another figure appearing across the field. They can’t really see who it is, but they do see the person trip and fall. Luke snorts and Sam starts laughing. When the figure quickly stands up, looking around for possibly onlookers, Sam starts loudly clapping his hands.

‘’Looking great man!’’ he shouts, voice dripping with sarcasm. The person across the field, probably the janitor, jumps a little and then quickly vanishes inside.

The two boys remain laughing for a bit, but then both seem to realize it and it turns quiet again.

‘’Sam, really though. What are you doing here? After the things I’ve said’’

Sam looks at the person sitting next to him, receiving an honest, sincere, confused look. He sighs and then decides to just, screw it all.

‘’I don’t feel like you actually meant those words. It honestly came off more as if you were trying to push me and the others away.’’ He elaborates, while nervously tapping his feet.

‘’What do you mean?’’ Luke frowned again and Sam immediately got mad at himself for thinking it was actually kind of cute. He coughs and looks up at Luke.

‘’I’m not sure, but it looked like you were just trying to say the right things, to make us leave you alone. And… well, now that I may know a tiny bit more about…you, I can kind of understand why you’re behaving the way you do. I’m sorry if I’m crossing a line here though.’’ He adds.

Sam can see the cogs in Luke’s head turning.

Then he snorts.

‘’You think you’re all special because you think you can see through me?’’

‘’Ehm no not-‘’ Sam doesn’t get to finish.

‘’You’re almost _transparent_ yourself.’’ He begins with a tone of disgust.

‘’ I can see it in your eyes, Sam, you’re worrying. And not about the high school football team, nor about dating the cheerleaders; it’s about something bigger. I can see it draining the life out of you.’’ Sam’s speechless. What is he supposed to answer?

‘’See, that’s what it feels like, having someone intrude your personal life.’’ Luke ends with a cocky smirk. Sam remains quiet, scared of which direction this conversation will go, and the accuracy of Luke’s interpretation.

‘’Come on Sammy, what are we doing here? I know you’re just talking to me because of your curiosity. I’m just… sensational to you. That’s all I am to you, just a good story to tell.’’ Luke goes on.

This does it for Sam. He suddenly stands up, looks down at Luke with a wry smile, and answers,

‘’If you’re really _that_ good at reading me, you should know by now that it’s definitely not just curiosity that’s making me talk to you. But I’ll leave if that’s what you want so badly. See you around.’’ And with all the confidence he can muster, he walks off without looking back

 

The sudden confidence boost wears off quite quickly though. Sam freezes while standing in front of the backdoor of the school. With his hand on the doorknob and the bleachers right behind him, he suddenly thinks,

‘’What the _fuck_ did I just tell him?!’’.

 

****************

 

Sam gets home an hour later, after having a really good but confusing conversation with the teacher. The teacher actually… motivated him to go to university after this. Sam knows that it’s exactly what he wants, but he can’t stop thinking about his father’s disappointment. The teacher saw his internal conflict, and advised him to think about it. He’s still got two years. That only relieved him a little bit, though. Sam is really happy about the advancing classes. He’ll soon be able to follow more classes on a higher level. Maybe that will motivate him again.

While still deep in his thoughts, he opens the door. He finds Cas and Dean on the couch, watching another one of those horror movies.

‘’Hey guys’’ he greets as he throws his bicycle keys on the coffee table. ‘’Hey Sammy, how did that appointment thingy go?’’ Dean asks.

‘’It went… okay. Just going to take some more classes on a higher level.’’  He hesitantly answers. Dean doesn’t catch up on it though and answers with enthusiasm. Cas, on the other hand, is again frowning at Sam.

‘’I knew it, Sammy! You’re so smart, definitely didn’t come from me!’’ He cheers while excitingly looking up between Cas and Sam. Sam smiles weakly at that and walks off to the kitchen.

 

While pouring himself some tea, he hears Cas tell Dean that he’ll just go to the toilet and that he can continue watching. Cas doesn’t end up in the bathroom though, he ends up in front of Sam with quite the critical gaze in his eyes.

‘’What’s going on Sam? I know you’re hiding stuff, and you don’t necessarily have to tell me, but at least talk to _someone_ about it.’’

Sam innocently looks up at Cas, but can’t hide the lump forming in his throat. When Sam doesn’t answer, Cas continues.

‘’I’ve seen you staring at my brother, Luke. I know there’s something going on. Has he been hurting you again? I will talk to him about it if you want to.’’

Sam immediately turn a crimson kind of red and looks down again.

‘’Cas, can you please keep this between us? It’s probably nothing, but I really don’t want to upset Dean.’’

Cas nods expectantly.

“I… I don’t really know why, but I can’t take my mind of him… I feel so stupid. It is stupid, I know. I mean, he’s kind of a bad person, sorry, and why would I even feel that way?! I know right? But I can’t help it Cas and it freaks me out.’’ Sam’s not sure why he opens up about this to Luke’s brother, of all people, but it does relieve him to finally have confessed it. Cas remains quiet for a good few seconds, and carefully weighs his words, before saying them.

‘’Sam, I was afraid you were going to say this. At least, at first I was afraid, when I caught you staring at him outside with lunch. I did think about it though, and I feel like I need to tell you something. You see, Luke’s really not a bad person. He used to be my hero when I was little. He’d do _everything_ for me. He’d beat up the bullies pestering me, he would stand in between me and my dad, he protected me when I couldn’t protect myself. The things he’s going through… they can really change someone. But I do, honestly, believe that he’s still a good person, like he used to be. Only now he’s put up a wall, because the last few times he showed his true self… he got beaten up and betrayed for it. All I’m trying to say is… give him a chance, he’s not as bad as people make him out to be. There’s more than meets the eye.’’ He finishes.

Sam’s speechless. He didn’t expect Cas to be so… accepting. Cas smiles and pats his shoulder lightly, then he’s off to the living room.

‘’Great. Now I’m even more interested in Luke, and I don’t even have a chance with him after what happened today. Why do I feel like I keep screwing up?’’

Sam leaves the kitchen and is about to walk upstairs when the phone rings. He sighs and answers the phone. ‘’Hey Sammy, how are you doing?’’

It John.

‘’Oh hi dad, I’m fine, how’s work?’’ Sam answers as casual as possible. His dad was honestly the last person he wanted to speak with after realizing he’s having a crush on the high school bully.

‘’I’m calling because I want to tell you that I will be coming home in a few days. And this time I actually won’t have to leave again for a while!’’

‘’Oh…that’s nice dad! We’ve been kinda missing your cooking skills.’’ Sam admits, and John snorts.

 

After finishing the conversations he actually feels kind of relieved. He talked to Cas about his… thingy, his father is finally coming home again. Maybe things aren’t doomed to fail after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, I had to finish this chapter a bit earlier than I would have liked. But I'm typing in the libary and this woman keeps staring angrily at me because of the sounds coming from my keyboard and now I feel scared to continue :')


	8. But who am I to give up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> Sorry for taking a bit longer. I've had a few tough days due to panic attacks and such. But I'm trying to get back to writing again! 
> 
> Hope yall like it!

Chapter 8: But who am I to give up?

 

Luke isn’t often speechless, but he has to admit that he truly was. Did Sam actually say that? Was Luke just hearing things? It _would_ explain the boys perseverance in approaching Luke. Luke’s still sitting on the bleachers, feet up on the seats in front of him, and his hands in the jacket he hates.   
‘Why doesn’t he listen? Why isn’t he as scared as the others are? Why doesn’t he just leave me alone?’ are a few of the many questions occupying his thoughts. Just for a short moment, he lets his mind explore the possibilities if what Sam said, was true. He immediately lights up another cigarette, trying to conceal the butterflies he felt in his stomach. ‘This can’t be real… This can’t be happening right now. I can’t deal with this _and_ Uriel _and_ Cas’ letter’ he grumbles to himself.  
  
His thoughts get interrupted though, by a group of three boys, standing at the beginning of the bleachers. Luke rolls his eyes and calls out ‘’What?!’’  
The boys all individually jump a little, but then one finds the guts to walk up to Luke. Luke scans the boy approaching him, like he scans everybody, and guesses that he’s about 15 years old. The boy walks up to the beginning of the row Luke’s sitting and stares at the ground while shuffling his feet.  
‘’Are you just going to stand there, staring at your own feet? I don’t have all day you know.’’ Luke knew damn well why the boys were approaching him, and normally he would enjoy squeezing the life out of the young, scared teenagers, but not today. Today he’s just _not_ in the mood.  
“We- we were looking to buy some…’’ The boy starts but is afraid to finish his sentence and Luke can’t help but smirk at his shyness.  
‘’Buy some what?’’  
‘’Weed. If that’s p-possible of course’’. The boy finished, not once looking up from his feet.  
Luke sighs again, looks lazily around him, then starts digging in his pockets.  
‘’How much you wanna have?’’  
The boy looked a little lost at the boys standing a few feet behind him. Okay. Luke is _really_ done with this shit.  
  
Annoyed he stands up, making eye contact with all of them. ‘’Okay, who of you are going to smoke, and have you ever done it before?’’ he says with his ‘I’m-too-good-for-this-shit- face.  
‘’We all are, and we have done it once before.’’  
‘’Okay. I’ll give you this bag here, it’ll cost 30 bucks. You’ll have to grind it yourself though.’’  
The boys nod eagerly as they all reach for their wallets, giving him the total amount of money, then quickly backing away.  
‘’We don’t really know how to prepare it though…’’ one of them mumbles, blushing. At this Luke _really, passionately_ rolls his eyes.  
“Ain’t gonna do it for you. Call Crowley.’’ He grumbles while he passes the bag to one of them.  
They nod and quickly walk off.  
Luke’s still standing in the middle of the bleachers, with his hands in his pockets. He watches the boys walking off together, punching each other playfully and laughing out loud. He feels stupid, standing there alone, way after school’s end. He feels ashamed, not having any friends. And most of all, he feels lonelier than ever. Again.

*************  
  
It’s a few days later and school had just ended. Luke waits for most people to leave until he stands up himself.  
He calculates that it would take him around 30 minutes to walk home. He still isn’t completely physically recovered, and it confronts him only after 5 minutes into the route. He’s beginning to have to drag one of his legs along with him, and his ribs are completely on fire again. He still thanks God, or whoever is up there, for the fact that the last few days he didn’t get a beating, otherwise he’s not sure _how_ he would have gotten home. But still, he doesn’t really get the chance to stay optimistic.  
  
15 minutes into the route his stomach starts aching, screaming for food. ‘Great’ he grumbles quietly. He looks around him and notices that he’s halfway. He takes a deep breath and pushes himself to walk as normal as possible. It hurts. He can feel that he’s really starting to sweat, and his breathing is getting more and more shallow. Fortunately he has to go through a richer neighbourhood, so he uses the fences as support. Now he may always look calm and collected, what’s going on inside of his head is completely different. He hates himself. Looking at himself from a distance, he’s disgusted at how weak he looks. He hates himself for not being able to conceal the pain he’s in.  
  
Then he notices a car driving slowly next to him and his heart starts pounding again. What if it is Uriel, coming back from work? Slowly he straightens his back and looks at the car and its passengers. He hates to admit it, but his heart stopped for a second when seeing Sam. Luke stops walking, hoping that then he’s able to hide his pain a bit better.  
  
‘’What’’ he growls, mostly out of shame, although they don’t have to know that. Dean, who’s the driver, rolls his eyes at the attitude and Luke can deal with that. Sam, on the other hand, looks with sympathy, and it makes him feel sick. So he stubbornly starts walking again. Dean starts the engine again and keeps driving next to Luke.  
‘’Dude just get in and we’ll drop you off at your house’’  
Luke ignores Dean again. He can’t stand the guy, really. He knows it’s mutual so he must be doing this for Sam.  
‘’Luke, come on, we can see you’re in pain. Don’t make this harder than it should be.’’ Sam adds.  
Goddammit Sam, you know you’re my weak spot. But Luke isn’t quite the easiest person, so he keeps walking. His breath picking up again, and he’s pretty damn sure his ribs are actually on fire now.  
‘’Luke, put your goddamn pride aside and get in. We’ll never talk about this again, okay?’’ Dean says with frustration.   
Luke rolls his eyes, for like the 100th time that day, and walks towards the car. Just when he’s about to open the door though, his legs are starting to give out, and he quickly grabs the top of the roof with his hands. Before he knows it, Sam’s standing next to him, opening the door for him and helping him in the car. Luke thinks he’s actually going to throw up right there, right then. Not out of pain, nah he can deal with that, but out of shame.  
  
Sam slowly closes the door and gets in his own seat. The only words the three boys exchange are information about how to find Luke’s house. Only a few words, but the glances between Sam and Dean, and mostly Luke and Sam, compensate for the lack of them.  
  
It’s around 6 ‘o clock when they arrive at his house. Dean shuts the engine off and it remains quiet while Luke’s trying to lift his bag from the seat. Luke’s stubborn so he doesn’t look up at the two brothers, once. Just when he’s able to get a stern grip on the bag, he hears his name being shouted from outside. The three boys all quickly look up and oh well what a surprise, Luke thinks, Uriel is standing outside looking pissed off.  
‘’Okay, gotta go. Thanks for the ride’’ Luke manages to mutter while climbing out of the car.  
‘’No problem. Hey Luke!’’ Sam says rolling down his window.  
‘’If you need any help, just… tell us, okay? Or Cas’’ Dean hesitantly tells him.   
  
Luke feels uneasy, nobody has ever said that to him. That’s kind of the downside of scaring everybody off. It’s one of the first times that he doesn’t know where to look, or what to say. It remains quiet for another second, which is then interrupted by Uriel shouting his name again, this time sounding livid. Luke looks one more time at the two boys in the car, then hurries towards Uriel. Uriel keeps staring at the Winchester brothers, until they drive off. He grabs Luke by his shoulders and pushes him inside. Slamming the door shut behind him he starts shouting again.

  
‘’Who were those boys? Huh? Why did you let them bring you home? Are you really that _retarded_ that you needed a _ride_?!’’. Luke knew this was coming, he was actually quite on the same line with Uriel on this one. He hangs his head and stares at his feet.  
‘’They- they offered me a ride and I told them no a few times but they insisted.’’ He mumbles, knowing that it wouldn’t change the situation at all. Uriel lets out a deep sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose.  
‘’You’re really _that_ weak? You should’ve just ignored them. What were you thinking? Oh wait, you didn’t actually think that they would befriend you or something, would you?’’ He snorts.  
  
Images of Sam and him laughing are crossing his mind, and he the feeling of happiness occuring almost hurts.  
‘’I really don’t know what to do with you anymore. Your behaviour is _disgusting_ , you look _disgusting_ , everything about you is _disgusting_.’’  
It hurts, no matter how many times Uriel tells him this, it still hurts.  
‘’You should be _happy_ that I was there to support you when your family kicked you out. Even though I _fully_ understand them’’ Uriel goes on.  
‘’You don’t fit in a family where everybody’s so kind and ambitious. ‘’  
‘’Well seems like we got another thing in common then’’ Luke blurts out. Luke doesn’t even have the chance to take it back, or at least regret it, because in a flash he’s pinned up with his chest against the wall. Uriel swiftly grabs his two hands and holds them together behind his back.  
‘’Did you really just compare _me_ to _you_?’’ he sneers.  
‘’No no no! I- it-‘’ Luke stammers desperately. He isn't able to finish his sentence, though.  
  
***************

  
Luke felt himself being lifted from the ground like a fucking puppet. He groans and doesn’t even open his eyes, knowing that it’s just Uriel again to go another round.   
He isn’t sure for how much longer he can take this. It is what it is for now, so he tries to zone out again.  
   
****************

  
It’s been hours. At least that’s what it feels like. It probably wasn’t longer than half an hour, but Luke feels as if he’s about to fall apart. He isn’t even sure in what position he’s lying. He isn’t capable of opening his eyes, probably because they’re both all yellow and blue-ish by now.    
  
‘’Stand up you weak little piece of shit!’’ Uriel roars again. Luke wishes that he could say that he’s gotten immune to Uriel’s voice, but he hasn’t. He pushes himself to stand up, and it takes him some time, but he’s ‘standing’. His legs are about to give out, he can’t see shit, he’s shaking, and he can feel blood trickling down his throat and neck.  
‘’I don’t want to see you again for the rest of the night. Tomorrow you’ll stay home and clean up. When I get home I want everything as neat as possible. _Don’t_   disappoint me. If you do, I will end you.’’  
Luke can’t find the strength to actually nod, so he mumbles something incoherent, as a signal that he understands.  
“Good. Now fuck off.’’  
  
Luke stumbles out of the room, still not able to see well, and makes his way to the stairs. It takes him a full 10 minutes, but then he’s in his room. He _knows_ he shouldn’t lay down now, in case he is having a concussion, so he stumbles towards the bathroom as quiet as possible. He feels drained, broken. He doesn’t feel any emotion in particular, that’s it, he feels numb. He sits down in the shower cabin, still wearing his clothes but not able to take them off, and he turns on the shower.  
  
Afterwards when he’s dried off and back in his room, he finds out that he had been sitting in the shower for almost an hour.  
*********************

 

Luke wakes up because of the banging on his bedroom door.  
‘’Wake up fucker, time to start cleaning. I’m off to work.’’ Uriel states. Luke shoots up, immediately falling back down because of the pain in his body. He hears the front door slam shut and het lets out a slow breath of relief. He slowly sits up again, and pulls the blanket off his body.  
  
As usual, he starts scanning his body for injuries and based on the number of injuries he’ll come up with a planning that’s actually do-able. After scanning his whole body, moving different body parts in different ways, he concludes that at least 3 of his ribs are fucked, there’s something seriously wrong with his left knee (since it’s gotten huge and blue and it hurts like hell), he can’t move one arm up, the other he can’t move sideways, both his eyes are black, his lips are torn up, and his stomach’s screaming for food. He slowly but surely feels panic taking over his body. How is he going to clean the whole house, with the state his body is in, before Uriel gets back?  
He tries to keep his breathing deep and steady while concluding that at first he should go out and buy some food. He has got some money from the weed he sold yesterday, so that should be fine.  
  
It takes him quite some time, showering and dressing, but he manages to do it and now he’s getting ready to get some food. Fortunately, there’s a mall only 10 minutes away from his house.  
Since he has torn up his hoodie he has to find a new way to hide his face and its bruising. For now, he just avoids eye contact with anyone by facing the ground as much as possible.

**********  
Right now it’s 10 a.m. Luke’s sitting in the middle of the living room while finishing the last piece of bread that he bought. He always had to be careful with suddenly giving his body food again. It has already happened a few times that he had been eating too fast and ended up hanging above the toilet.  
  
After finishing his food and throwing the leftover packages in his room (Uriel can’t find out about the food)  he lets out a deep breath and starts looking around him. While he’s supposed to start cleaning, he can’t get his mind of Sam. Luke pictures the boy being in school right now, along with the other three boys. Would anyone notice his absence?

He hates what his feelings for Sam are doing to him. Images of him, his brothers, and Sam laughing are flashing through his mind again. He hasn’t thought about ‘friendship’ and ‘love’ for years, he used to be able to just shut that part of his brain down.

Sighing he grabs a trash bag and walks towards the beginning of the living room, near the front door. The room is littered with pieces of glass and other broken stuff. While dropping the trash bag in front of him, he grabs the coffee table and slowly lowers himself onto his knees. To say it hurts is an understatement. Luke hates this part; having a shit ton of work to do, but knowing that your body is never going to be able to keep up. He ignores the signals of his body as good as he can, and starts grabbing the broken pieces, keeping Uriel's face in mind as a motivation. Slowly he moves forward on his knees, trying to keep cleaning.

Just when he’s about to pick up another piece that seems like a part of a drinking glass, a sickening jolt of pain shoots through his ribcage. He actually yells out in pain and falls forward, ending up falling on his ribcage, making the pain even worse. He brings his hands to his ribcage, gasping for air with wide eyes. For a moment there are no harsh thoughts towards himself, just the ringing in his ears and the black spots in front of his eyes. While he slowly turns over so that he’s now lying on his back, he tries to keep his breathing shallow. But this doesn’t make the pain stop and he’s really starting to panic now.

Of course, he’s been in this kind of pain before, but it never lasted this long. At least by now, he would have been able to zone out, like he usually does. But the pain is clinging to his body, cradling him with a vice-like grip, and Luke starts hyperventilating. He feels his arms shaking and his legs jolting like he’s under electricity. The pain crashes onto him like a wave, and he can almost feel himself going into shock. ‘I need to do something now, otherwise, I’ll end up lying here for hours and Uriel _will_ kill me’ he manages to think. Clenching his teeth together he tries to reach for his phone. With one eye open and shaking hands, he scrolls through his ‘list’ of contacts. As in; only his brothers are in there. Luke tries to think quick, feeling himself slipping away, and selects Castiels name. He doesn’t even think about the fact that Cas is probably in class right now, he just calls, praying that he will pick up. Just when Luke is about to give up, he hears Cas answer.  
  
‘’Luke? Why are you calling?’’ he hears his voice, laced with concern. Luke has never called Cas since he was kicked out, so Cas has the right to get concerned. Luke tries to answer, but because of the jolting and shaking, his phone slips out of his hands onto the ground right next to him.  
‘’Luke? You there?’’ He hears Cas again. With all the strength he can muster he answers.  
‘’C-cas… I-I need you to come, I can’t- ‘’ he can’t finish he sentence because he voice breaks and he lets out a cry of pain. He pants with clenched teeth, feeling drips of saliva falling from his mouth onto the floor.  
‘’Luke, I’m coming right now. Where are you?’’  
  
But Luke isn’t able to answer anymore as he lays there staring up at the ceiling. His body shocks and he can feel himself slipping away. He can hear some murmuring on the background, probably Cas. And for only a second he panics about the fact that he’s called for _help_ , for _Cas_. But that’s also the point where the light goes out.


	9. I guess I'm not that kind of person

Chapter 9: I guess I’m not that kind of person

 

Sam and Cas were in the middle of class when Sam hears a phone buzzing. Cas panicky looks around, but nobody has really noticed yet, so he slides the phone halfway out of his pocket, frowning when he reads what’s on the screen. He looks up at Sam and mumbles something about leaving for a second. Sam nods curiously while watching Cas asking his teacher if he can pick up his phone, and then leaving the classroom. Only two minutes later Cas is back in the classroom, silently talking to the teacher with big concerned eyes. Then suddenly the teacher calls out for Sam, motioning to come over. Sam walks up, now definitely concerned, to Cas and the teacher.  
  
‘’What is it? Is something wrong? Is this about Dean?’’ he asks.  
‘’Luke just called me, which is quite alarming in itself, and he asked me to come over. He sounded as if he was in pain. I want to ask you if you can come along with me… I’m not sure what to find when we get to his house...’’  
Sam lets this process for a second and then nods.  
‘’Of course I’ll go with you! Although If it really sounded like he was in pain then we probably need to go now.’’ Sam adds. The teacher nods and adds ‘’Let me know if everything is okay, I’ll deal with the administration about your absence. Now go’’ while motioning towards the door. The boys nod, grab their stuff, ignoring the questioning glances from their classmates, and leave.  
  
‘’Do you have any idea what could have happened?’’ Sam asks while they’re almost running towards Cas’ car. Cas shakes his head and climbs into the car, behind the wheel.  
‘’I worry though. He has never called me before, it must be bad.’’ He answers.  
Sam nods silently, mentally preparing for whatever it is that they will find.  
  
Cas and Sam both know where Luke lives by now, and they arrive within 10 minutes in front of the house. Before getting out of the car they look at each other, both letting out a deep breath.  
‘’Here we go then. Thanks for coming along by the way.’’ Cas mumbles. Sam nods again and they step out.  
  
Fortunately the front door isn’t locked and Sam can see how worried Cas is by the way he almost throws the door open. The sight they’re greeted with makes them blink a few times with surprise, and concern. There’s broken stuff all over the floor, and in the midst of it all lays Luke.  
‘’Luke! What happened? Are you okay?’’ Cas immediately calls out while running up towards the body lying on the floor. Sam is right behind him, however he finds himself speechless at the state Luke is in. They both kneel next to his body, not sure where to put their hands and attention to first.  
‘’Dude… this is _bad_.’’ Sam mumbles while staring at Luke. Then they hear Luke mumbling something unintelligible. Cas brings his hand towards Luke’s head and strokes his sticky hair out of his face.  
‘’Luke we can see that you’re in pain. Can you tell us where the pain is coming from?’’ Sam asks with a soft and caring tone. He isn’t aware of the quick glance Cas gives him because of it. He’s all focused on the boy in front of him.  
Luke mutters something again, then sighs, and brings his hands slowly to his ribs.  
‘’Okay, your ribs. Is there any other place that hurts?’’  
Cas and Sam can both hear a sound coming from him that’s probably meant as a snort. Cas let’s out a deep breath again and gets down to business.  
‘’Is it okay if we take a quick look at your ribs? We need to be sure about your injuries.’’  
Luke remains silent for a while, obviously in conflict with himself. Then he slowly tries to nod. Sam carefully pulls Luke’s shirt up, uncovering his stomach and ribcage. It remains silent again.  
‘’Luke we need to take you to a hospital, at least 3 of your ribs are definitely broken.’’ Sam says worried. That’s the point where Luke starts struggling, shaking his head and letting out panicked sounds.  
‘’Okay, maybe we need to get you on the couch first, but it _will_ hurt, Luke’’ Cas adds. Luke grumbles something unintelligible again and the boys take that as a yes.

Cas motions for Sam to take one side of Luke’s body, while Cas takes the other side. They count to three and lift him up. It shocks Sam to feel how _light_ he is, and he can see it on Cas his face too.  
They carry him over to the couch and lay him down gently. Cas puts a pillow behind the boy’s head and sits himself down at Luke’s feet.  
  
‘’Luke we really do need to take you to the hospital. Your ribs are in a really bad shape, and I have this feeling that this is not the only damaged body part you’re dealing with right now.’’ Cas starts seriously. In the meantime, Sam has grabbed a glass of water and hesitatingly gives it to Luke. With shaking hands Luke grabs a hold of the glass, but he’s obviously too weak to bring it to his lips. Sam looks up at Cas and he nods back. Cas stands up, puts his hands over Luke’s, and brings the glass towards his lips. Sam just stands there, mind racing, blood pumping, full of worry and doubt.  
  
After drinking the whole glass in one gulp, Luke’s finally able to speak again. With a raspy voice he answers Cas’ concerns.  
‘’I can’t – I can’t go. Uriel finds out and I’m dead. Really Cas- please don’t.’’ Luke says with panic taking over his voice.  
Sam chews on his lip, not sure what to do, and looks up at Cas. Cas is still sitting next to Luke on the couch, with now his glass in his hand. He’s probably aware of the fact that Luke hates to be touched (emotionally or physically), and he refrains from touching the boy unnecessarily.    
‘’Okay… okay. We won’t take you to the hospital, but we _need_ to do something. Your body is breaking down, it’s obvious. Is this the reason you weren’t at school today?’’ Cas starts again and Luke shakes his head.  
‘’Last night… Uriel got mad and trashed the house –‘’  
‘’And _you_ ’’ Sam adds all grumbly. Luke rolls his eyes and continues.  
‘’I- I have to clean his mess. If he gets back and it’s still… this messy, he’ll _kill_ me.’’ And while talking Luke’s breathing is picking up again. Cas brings a hand to his shoulder, trying to calm him down.  
‘’I mean it, he’s will actually kill me one day.’’ Luke says with an unsteady voice, close to hyperventilating.  
  
Sam brings his hands to his hair, doubt filling his mind. Cas looks like he’s in the same state, chewing on the inside of his cheek.  
‘’Okay, first things first; We need to clean _you_ and the place up. We’ll make sure Uriel won’t notice it. We’ll be gone when he gets back. But that does leave us to our next question…’’ Sam says.  
‘’ How are we going to get you out of this place? This can’t go on any longer’’ Cas adds seriously.  
It remains quiet for a bit, questions and doubt taking over. Then Luke’s hands shoot towards his ribs again and as he presses his face into the pillow, he lets out a yelp of pain again. Sam and Cas make eye contact with wide eyes, uncertain of what to do.  
‘’I know someone who could take care of you… but you’ll have to agree to it.’’ Sam hesitantly mumbles. At this point Luke is clenching his teeth and withering in pain.  
‘’Okay never mind, fuck that. I’m going to make a call.’’ Sam rushes. Cas looks up at him with a questioning glance. Sam grabs his cell phone and before he turns away to make the call, he looks back one more time at Luke.  
‘’Luke, I know this is not your forte and stuff, but I need to ask you. Do you trust me on this one?’’  
Luke remains quiet, face half pressed into the pillow, and Sam can see a tear rolling down his cheek.  
‘’Just do it.’’ He mutters. Sam nods to Cas and walks out of this house, searching through his list of contacts. When he finds the number, he presses on the button, and the phone dials.  
  
‘’Hey Dean, I know you’re at school but me and Cas – yeah we’re okay- we need your help though. It’s about Luke. He’s in serious pain but won’t go to the hospital. You are the only one we know who knows how to treat some… injuries.’’ Sam hastily tells him.  
‘’Okay thank you, you know where he lives right? Okay, I’ll see you then’’ Sam ends the conversation, and walks back inside. Cas is still sitting next to Luke, trying to distract him from the pain with talking.  
‘’He’ll be here any minute. He will be able to take care of you, okay?’’ Sam says while walking over towards the couch. But Luke is too far gone, and Sam can see that he’s slipping away again.  
  
‘’Cas, I called Dean, he knows how to treat stuff like this from his old job.’’ Sam whispers.  
Cas frowns for only a second and then nods.  
‘’You stay with him, I’ll start cleaning this place up.’’ Sam adds. Cas nods and mumbles a heartfelt ‘thankyou’. It hurts Sam to see Cas looking so lost right now. Sam nods and grabs the trash bag still lying on the spot where they found Luke.  
  
He sinks to his knees and starts to carefully grab the pieces of glass. His mind is racing, with questions towards Luke, towards himself, with anger, and sadness. While picking the pieces of the ground he lets his mind run free for a minute. ‘How could someone do this to their own family? What was _so_ bad that Luke deserved _this_? Is he going to hate me after this? For going along with Cas, and calling Dean?’ his thoughts race through his mind, but get to a stop when the front door opens.  
  
Dean’s standing in the doorway, blinking in shock, then moving his gaze to Sam. Sam stands up with the trash bag still in his hands and starts talking softly. ‘’We found him here on the ground. His ribs are fucked up and we don’t even _know_ what state the rest of his body is in. I know you don’t like him but-‘’ Sam doesn’t get to end his sentence, as Dean pushes him away.  
‘’It doesn’t matter if I like him or not, you and Cas do, so I’ll help.’’ He says with certainty.  
Sam starts blushing, then quickly looks at the boy lying on the couch. While looking back at Dean he mumbles a thank you. Dean nods and walks up to Luke, crouching next to him.  
Even from where Sam is standing he can see a whole conversation happening between Cas and Dean while only exchanging glances. Sam feels envy stab him in the gut, but immediately disregards it.  
‘Now is _not_ the time to get jealous of those two. _Not_ the time, Sam.’ He thinks to himself as he crouches back down to continue cleaning.  
  
While cleaning up all the glass and broken stuff lying on the ground, Sam watches Dean. Dean has now taken Cas’ spot, besides Luke, and Cas finds some bandages from a cabinet in the kitchen. Dean lifts up Luke’s shirt, and Luke bites down on his wrist, trying to cope with the pain. Sam can see the concern on Dean’s face. Cas is watching over Dean’s back, while staying completely silent, deep in thoughts.  
Sam can see Dean pressing on certain point of Luke’s ribs, while asking questions. The pain gets so bad that Dean has to replace Luke’s wrist for a roll of bandages, since his wrist has started bleeding.  
  
It honestly only feels a bit strange and unusual in the first 10 minutes, but soon the three boys find themselves in a routine. Dean is treating Luke as if he’s a professional (which he probably is by now), and Cas and Sam are almost finished cleaning up the glass and stuff. At one point Cas coughs for Sams attention, then motioning towards the bottles of vodka he’d found underneath a closet on the other side of the living room. Sam and Cas both frown, shooting questioning glances towards Luke, but then decide that that’s probably a topic for later.  
  
It 2 p.m. and Cas and Sam are done cleaning up the entire living room. Not _too_ tidy though, just good enough so that it will look credible to Uriel. By now, Dean is done treating Luke, sitting on a chair opposite of him while packing everything back up, and Luke is lying on the couch with his eyes closed. Or now that Sam has come to think of it, it’s more with his eyes _pressed_ _shut_. His hair is messy, his face still blue and yellow-ish, but at least now he’s bandaged. Cas comes back into the living room, having found some glasses which are still intact, with drinks. Sam lets himself fall back onto the chair next to Dean, feeling exhausted while going through his hair with his hand. It remains silent for a few minutes. The three boys sipping their drinks and Luke staring at the ceiling.  
  
Then Cas lets out a deep sigh.  
‘’Okay, what now? Everything’s clean, but we can’t let you stay here… fully knowing what happens in this house’’.  
Sam bites his lower lips while thinking of any possible options. Dean stares at his glass, seemingly deep in thought too, while Luke uncomfortably stares at the three of them. He’s also the one responding.  
‘’ Not necessary, just a year and I’ll be able to work and leave.’’  
‘’ Why in a year? Why not now, though?’’ dean asks.  
‘’ He won’t let me work. Maybe if I’m done with school… he will.’’ Luke answers while fiddling with his patched up fingers. Dean mutters something back, not meaning for anyone to understand.  
‘’ Can’t you… go back? To Cas and Michael?’’ he then offers with a frown.  
Luke snorts, this time for real, then quickly bringing his hands to his ribs again. Cas sighs.  
  
‘’ I’m afraid he can’t… he’s been banned… for good, by Michael.’’ Cas says.  
‘’But _why_ though? I mean come on, he’s your own _brother_  for fuck’s sake!’’ Dean says with frustration.  
‘’ In case none of my _brothers_ have actually told you this, my family is the most religious family you’ll ever meet. Doesn’t prevent them from being ass holes, though.’’ Luke mutters while rolling his eyes at Cas. ‘’You know this is not about you or Gabe’’ he adds. Cas stays silent, not knowing how much information he’s allowed to give to the Winchester brothers.  
  
‘’But what could you have _possibly_ done to get kicked out and banned?’’ Sam now asks with a deep frown. ‘’I mean, we know you’re kinda difficult to handle but so was Dean’’  
‘’Hey! I wasn’t that bad!’’ He frowns at Sam while kicking his leg. Sam rolls his eyes and Cas can’t hide a little smile.  
‘’It’s not about my behaviour, though.’’ Luke mutters while avoiding eye contact with the others.  
‘’ Yeah sure, the behaviour was, _is_ , not something to be proud of, I guess. But I was a walking sin. It usually doesn’t turn out that great when your cult-like family catches you kissing the boy from next door.’’ Luke adds with an eye roll.  
  
This shuts the Winchesters brothers up.  
Sam doesn’t even _know where_ to look at this confession, and Dean’s mouth is hanging open, shamelessly staring at Luke.  
‘’Wait, you’re gay? _That’s_ the whole problem?’’ he says with surprise and frustration.  
‘’Uhu’’ Luke nods, looking extremely uninterested in the whole conversation. Then he looks up at Sam in surprise.  
‘’Wait, you didn’t _know_?’’ He asks, looking with raised eyebrows at Sam, who’s wishing for a hole he can disappear in from shame. He doesn’t think he has ever blushed this bad, not even when Jess kissed him for the first time.  
‘’Wow you guys actually _did_ keep it a secret, I’m impressed’’ he snorts humourlessly at Cas.  
Sam stares at his feet, not knowing how he’s supposed to feel after hearing all of this. He almost feels bad for being happy that Luke’s gay. But look at where that has gotten him…  
‘’Sam, you okay?’’ Dean frowns. Sam’s head shoots up and he is greeted with 3 pairs of eyes staring at him.  
‘’Huh? Oh, yeah. Just… kinda processing everything that’s been going on today’’ he mutters. Dean narrows his eyes and Cas just keeps staring at him. Sam glances at Luke and almost chokes on air when he catches Luke winking at him.  
  
‘’Alright, let’s get back to…this’’ Sam lamely motions towards the four of them. Luke snorts in response but Dean and Cas agree.  
‘’Luke when is the last time you’ve  been eating?’’ Cas asks him seriously.  
Luke lets himself fall back on the couch again and sighs.  
‘’Seriously Cas?’’ He mutters, without actually answering his question. Sam and Dean remain quiet, feeling like there’s some kind of thingy going on they don’t know about.  
‘’Luke, I’m trying here, okay? You called me and I want to help you-‘’ Cas doesn’t get to finish his sentence, though.  
‘’Yeah I know but don’t think this is a way to infiltrate into my life and use it against me.’’ Luke snaps.  
Cas frowns confused, looking at Sam and Dean.  
‘’Luke I would never-‘’  
‘’Yes you would and you actually did, too.’’ Luke cuts him off again, with a sharp look in his eyes.  
‘’But-‘’ Cas tries with a confused and mildly panicked expression.  
  
‘’Okay’’ Sam cuts in, standing up.  
‘’Maybe it’s better if we just… leave you alone for a sec, Luke. I know this is hard, and I know this brings back a lot of old memories and stuff, but you’ve got to _at least_ give Cas a chance. Come on guys, we’ll just go outside for a bit. I’m in need for some fresh air anyways, and maybe it’s a way for you to cool off a bit.’’ Sam says, all responsible and shit. Luke has rolled his eyes during Sam’s words at least 3 times, but he agrees anyways.  
Dean and Cas glance at each other, then both stand up, motioning for Sam to go along with them.  
While Cas and Dean are leaving through the front door, Sam turn back towards Luke one more time, while standing in the doorway. ‘’Are you sure this is okay?’’ he asks.  
Luke is still lying on the couch, but now with one arm lying over his face. Sam can’t see his expression, but he does hear some muttering.  
‘’What was that?’’ he asks again.  
‘’Can you…stay?’’ Luke mutters, radiating embarrassment and loneliness.  
Sam feels shocked. He looks around him, then points at himself ‘’…me?’’  
Luke laughs a little.  
‘’Yes, you.’’  
‘’O-okay… hold on a sec.’’ Sam walked out telling Cas and Dean that he’ll stay in with Luke for a bit.  
Neither of them look particularly surprised, which surprises Sam, again. But before he can ask any questions, they’re already deep in their conversation, again. It looks like Dean is taking care of Cas, who looks pretty sad after what had just happened. Sam nods to himself, feeling a bit left out here, and gets back inside.

He takes a seat on the chair across from where Luke is lying, and takes in the silence. He’s not sure what to say, to be honest. They have shared quite a few strange encounters for the last few weeks. At first when Luke was all drugged up and dropped at his house, then their conversation on the bleachers, then the car ride, and now… this.  
‘’Sam I really, honestly don’t get you.’’ Luke murmurs tiredly, while still having his arm lying across his face.  
‘’Yeah I don’t get me either’’ he sighs as an answer, and Luke lets out a little laugh, lying his arm next to his body again.  
‘’ You have this.. persistence. It’s a quality but it can be goddamn annoying when you want to’’ Luke mumbles while staring at the ceiling, looking like he’s deep in thought.  
“ Uh yeah… thanks, I guess?’’  
It remains quiet for a bit longer.  
  
‘’Luke what do you think is the best thing to do? Imagine if you could go anywhere, where would you go? Where would you want to live?’’ Sam asks him seriously.  
At takes Luke a while to answer that, though.  
“I honestly don’t know. If it could be anything…’’ he stops midsentence, coughing a little. It makes Sam look up at him and he’s not sure if he’s imagining things, but Luke looks… emotional. Not like, fully crying or something like that, but something in his face changed. He usually looks so… stone cold, sum this up with his violent behaviour and he almost looks like a psychopath. The person he’s looking at right now is definitely not a psychopath, though.  
‘’I would go back home. Although I guess it would be better if I were to accept that it’s not _my_ home anymore.’’ He adds with a sad undertone. Sam nods understandingly, to which Luke narrows his eyes a bit.  
  
‘’What would you do if you were me?’’ He asks with sincere curiosity in his voice.  
‘’I don’t feel like I could truly answer that question, since I don’t know that much about… you. I do know one thing for certain though. And I know you don’t like me saying this, but I’ve said it once and I’ll say it twice; you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve the abuse and the pain you’re in. You deserve to be loved and taken care of. So yeah. There’s that.’’ Sam ends his sentence with a blush forming on his face, looking down at the ground.  
Luke remains quiet again, thinking of a good answer.  
‘’You’re right, I can’t stand it when you say stuff like that.’’ He concludes, sounding neutral.  
‘’Why, though?’’ Sam asks again, and Luke huffs. Sam knows that at this point he might be close to overstepping Luke’s boundaries again, which will lead to Luke getting violent, but he doesn’t really care. His curiosity and honest concern are taking over his mind.  
‘’Do you honestly believe it when you say that kind of stuff?’’ Luke fires back, still not sounding really angry or something.  
‘’Yeah, of course I do, I’m an honest person. Why would I lie?’’ Sam is just as quick to answer.  
  
‘’Luke what’s going on?’’ Sam adds.  
‘’I just don’t believe you. I don’t believe anyone who would say that, really. I don’t think I deserve to be treated… like you guys treated me today. I really, honestly, can’t wrap my head around the fact that you did… all of this.’’ And he still sounds completely sincere, which worries Sam.  
‘’Seems like we’ve got some conflicting opinions then, but that wouldn’t be the first time, would it?’’ Sam says, trying to steer the direction of the conversation. It was getting a little bit too serious and he’s not sure if he’s fully ready for that.  
  
Luke clenches his teeth again, pressing with his hands on the space below the ribs.  
‘’It really hurts doesn’t it?’’ Sam mumbles. Luke nods as he starts panting again.  
Sam stands up and crouches down next to Luke. Before he does anything he asks if this is okay. Luke nods vaguely.  
Sam brings one hand to Luke’s shoulder, and one to his chest, demonstrating how to breathe deep again. Luke follows his example and finally gets himself a little more calm again.  
Sam slowly retracts his hands from Luke’s body, not that he wants to, and sits down on the ground besides Luke, with his back against the couch and his legs lying in front of him.  
‘’What do you normally do to ease the pain a little?’’ He asks while looking forward, fiddling with his fingers.  
‘’Don’t know, doesn’t matter.’’ Luke mutters and Sam thinks that it probably really _does_ matter, and he keeps it in the back of his head for another time.  
‘’Tell me about you’’ Luke croaks while clenching his fists, trying to hide the pain. Sam gets the hint, and starts telling random stuff to keep him distracted.  
  
‘’Well ehm, as you know, I am just as old as Cas and I share most of my classes with him. I love reading, I love studying, although I never talk about this cause most people tend to make jokes about it. I’m really into country and classic rock music. I can be extremely sarcastic and snarky on bad days, although I don’t often have those. Ehm, I hate ice cream, since it melts and I can’t stand it. I really like sports but when I was little I was too scared to join a team and well… that’s never really changed.’’ Sam rambles.  
‘’ If you would, though, which sport would you choose?’’ Luke asks curiously and Sam smiles a little at the question.  
‘’I’d definitely join the swimming team. I’ve always loved being in the water.’’  
Luke nods with a tiny little smile and motions Sam to go on.  
‘’Ehm, I mainly live alone with Dean. My mother has passed away when I was 3 years old and my dad has to travel a lot for business. Doesn’t matter though because his friend Bobby is always there to help us if we need something.  Dean and I get along really well even though we’re nothing alike…’’ Sam looks hesitatingly at Luke, asking with just a glance if he’s supposed to continue.  
Luke nods, clearly listening to him with full attention, but Sam starts to lose his inspiration and he doesn’t really know what else to tell him.  
  
‘’Why are you so sad the last few weeks?’’ Luke asks softly, and Sam looks up quickly with surprise.  
‘’You … you remembered? How…?’’  
‘’I’m good at reading people, Sam, I wasn’t joking about that. I see it in your eyes, constantly. Tell me about it.’’ Luke adds. Sam sighs, hesitating for a bit, but then shrugs and starts.  
‘’My dad really wants me and Dean to take over his shops when we’re done with high school. He has the car repair shop thingy, and he wants me to become a mechanic. But I’ve never wanted that, at all. I always had this big dream of… this might sounds stupid,’’ Sam smiles with a hint of embarrassment, but Luke motions for him to continue.  
‘’I’ve always wanted to become a lawyer. Justice is a topic which has always had my interest and I love studying, but… well, my dad would probably not like it.’’ He mumbles, staring at the ground between his legs.  
  
Sam doesn’t know _why_ he’s being so open to the biggest high school bully in this towns’ existence, but he can’t deny the fact that talking about all of it does bring him some relief. He looks from where he’s sitting through the window next to the front door, and sees Dean and Cas still completely engaged in a conversation, so he starts talking again.  
‘’So, was that enough?’’ he smiles a little while looking up at Luke. Sam’s still sitting with his back against the couch, around the spot where Luke’s hips lie, and he suddenly gets a little awkward with how close he is to Luke’s crotch. Now that he’s acknowledged his feelings for Luke to himself, he’s definitely a bit more on edge around him. He just doesn’t want to give off the wrong signal or say something weird.  
‘’Yeah, I think I might know enough for now’’ he winks at Sam, as if he can read his mind. Sam smiles a little insecure, and gets back to staring at his legs lying in front of him. It’s kind of weird, he used to be scared of Luke. Not as bad as the others at school, but the fact that he’s sitting with his back to him is quite something, even for him.  
  
‘’So… I already know some things about you, but most of those things I’ve heard from _other_ people. So I’d really like to hear a bit about you, _from_ you’’ he smiles at how ridiculous it all is. Luke lets out a deep breath, wiggles a little bit so he’s lying straight on his back again, and remains quiet for a few seconds.  
‘’Well, I don’t really know what to tell you.’’ He says, acting all down-to-earth and uninterested, but radiating insecurity.  
‘’Just tell me some things about you, from the top of your head. Just like I did’’ Sam smiles up at him. Luke looks a little bit troubled at all of this, but decides to give it a go anyway.  
  
‘’Well, my full name is Lucifer. As you know, I was born in a super religious family. All of us were named after angels. Gabriel, Castiel, Raphael…Michael’’ the last name he mumbles.  
‘’I got the honour of being labelled as Lucifer, which is quite a coincidence if you look at how things have been going for me in my family. I used to love music, I used to… don’t laugh-‘’ he adds quickly while looking at Sam. Sam waits curiously for him to continue, trying to show him that he’s not judging him.  
‘’I used to love to sing and play guitar. I was quite good at it too. My family at first loved it, but the older I got, the more I got into the heavy metal kind of stuff, the more they started to dislike it. Anyways, I used to have quite a few friends. That was until I was kicked out, though. Ehm, I guess when I have an off day, which I have quite frequently, I get really explosive. Always been that way, though. As a little kid I’d trash the whole house just because something felt unfair to me. I’ve switched schools several times due to violence and bullying. And… yeah I love movies and cars. That’s kinda it, I guess.’’ Luke rambles. While Luke had been talking, focussing on his feet, Sam had been looking up at him. He notices things he normally wouldn’t have. Like the colour of Luke’s eyes, which are not _just blue_ , but like… ice. Sam cuts himself off, trying to keep himself and his thoughts in check.  
  
‘’What about your parents?’’ He asks curiously.  
‘’My mother committed suicide when I was around 11 years old. My father left a few months after that. Michael and I were left in charge.’’ Luke says while looking even a little bit bored. Sam doesn’t know what to answer to this, though.  
‘’Wow… I- I don’t know what to say. That sounds really rough’’ Sam stammers.  
‘’Yeah well we survived, that’s what it’s all about, right?’’ Luke asks absently. Sam nods but stiffens when he feels a few of Luke’s fingers touching his neck lightly, probably on accident. He can’t comprehend his body’s reaction to it though. It feels like his neck is on fire. Suddenly Luke coughs and retracts his hand, looking up towards the door. Sam spots Cas and Dean, both walking in. Sam’s suddenly reminded of how close he’s sitting to Luke, and he immediately feels uncomfortable. Dean has a _very_ critical gaze pointing at him, while Cas starts with a frown but ends with a tiny smile.  
  
The three boys conclude that they can’t – and won’t- force Luke out of his house, but that they do keep in touch with him. Luke mutters and eye rolls as much as he can, but in the end he finally gives in. They make a deal that whenever he needs help, he can call any of them, even though Sam can _see_ that Luke’s definitely _not_ planning to do all of this again. When the three boys all stand up, getting ready to leave, Luke speaks up. Sam only now notices how tired he looks, with those black circles, and his watery eyes.  
‘’Thanks guys. I- I don’t know how I would have done this without you.’’ Luke mutters, clearly embarrassed again. The three of them all smile a little sadly at him, and nod.  
‘’We’ll see you tomorrow at school then.’’ Dean nods.  
‘’See you tomorrow, call me if you need anything. I’ve put my number into your phone’’ Cas adds, and Luke’s obviously having a hard time accepting the kind gestures.  
While Cas and Dean both walk out of the house, Sam keeps standing next to the couch for a little longer.  
‘’I like talking to you Luke, I just hope that when I see you at school tomorrow you’ll… be the same as you’re now.’’ Sam hesitatingly adds. Luke looks down, not sure what to say.  
‘’Thanks, Sam.’’ He mumbles. Sam nods, wishes him good luck with the rest of the day, and walks out of the house.  
  
As he pulls the door shut behind him, he can _feel_ butterflies forming in his belly. He actually _talked_ to Luke for longer than a few minutes, and he really felt a connection. It makes him happy. He feels like Luke understands parts of him that Dean and his dad don’t.  
‘’Sammy come on, let’s go’’ Dean yells from the car.  
Sam hurries towards the car, and as they drive of, he finds himself being nervous for tomorrow.  
’I wonder how he’s going to treat me, surrounded by everyone’. He thinks to himself.


	10. And so I keep on walking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Sooo, this story is already getting longer than I initially expected it to, but I guess that's alright :)  
> I do notice that I'm getting more and more nervous with uploading new chapters, the further we get into the story though.  
> Well, let's just see this fanfic as a great fear-of-failure-exercise. hehe. 
> 
> Thanks for reading this fic, it means a lot to me!  
> Hope yall like this chapter.
> 
> DiamondsDontShine  
> (they reflect)

Chapter 10: And so I keep on walking

 

‘’Thanks, Sam’’ he mumbles. Sam nods, wishes him good luck with the rest of the day and walks out of the house.  
Yes, it’s true that Luke’s whole body aches, but he can’t restrain himself from looking at the boy as he walks out of his house. His back, his long legs, Luke takes it all in. Today has been one hell of a day. He did something he’s never done before; asking help. He’s not sure whether he’s happy or embarrassed for the fact that Sam showed up too. It did bring some good things though… He got to touch Sam, and even better; he got to see Sam’s reaction to it. Luke can see the tiniest signals people can give, and he definitely saw a positive response coming from Sam.   
  
Smiling to himself he wiggles with his hips until he’s able to grab his mobile phone from his pocket. He presses a random button, the display lights up, and he checks the time. Another hour until Uriel gets home. He throws his mobile besides him on the ground, and lets out a deep sigh. He tries to think about today, and he actually feels the closest to happy in years. Maybe because he had received help? No, because of Sam. The help he received has caused that critical voice to nag constantly, in the back of his mind. He tries to push the voice away, but to no avail. He can sense an inner conflict coming up. Luke knows himself pretty well, and he also knows that because of those conflicts, he often gets violent. With a knot in his stomach he thinks about tomorrow. ‘How am I going to do this? Do I have to… talk to the three? What if I snap? I never had to worry about that because I knew nobody would care. Is that it? Is that what that nagging voice means? Do people _care_?’ He thinks to himself.  
  
He hates sounding like a victim, it disgusts him, but he has to admit to himself that nobody _has_ really cared for him over the past few years. Maybe that’s why he’s so conflicted.   
He lets his mind race, but then reminds himself that he has to alter his bandages, so that it looks as if he did them himself. His eyes immediately scan the room, searching for any traces left behind by the three boys. He can’t find anything and he feels a bit more relieved. He starts pulling on the bandages around his hand and arms, loosen them up a bit more.   
  
He hates to admit it, but Dean really did a good job treating him. When Dean approached him the first few minutes had been incredibly awkward. Luke’s mind was resisting and Dean noticed. They didn’t really talk, but after a few minutes they fell into a routine and it almost felt like there was some kind of … mutual respect towards each other. Luke shakes his head thinking about it. ‘What the fuck is up with today? How did I end up with _them_?’ he mumbles, knowing the answer fully well.

Around an hour later Uriel gets home. The door gets slammed open and Uriel freezes while standing in the doorway. His eyes scan the room carefully and Luke’s heart is immediately in his throat. He tries to look as tired as possible, which isn’t really a hard thing to do since he _is_ tired as hell. Uriel slowly closes the front door behind him, puts down his suitcase, and walks up to Luke. Luke is still lying on the couch and looks up at Uriel, looming over him.  
  
‘’You _actually_ managed to do this.’’ He curtly states. Luke doesn’t feel like this is the kind of statement he needs to answer, so he remains quiet.  
‘’Good then. Go make me something to eat, then go upstairs. I don’t want to see you for the rest of the night. You’re going to school tomorrow.’’ Uriel order.   
Luke nods and slowly stands up, face only inches away from Uriel’s. Since a few years they’re about the same height, around 6 ft 1. Uriel is a lot stronger though. He’s got quite some muscles and Luke… well Luke’s skinny as fuck. Just when Luke is about to walk off to the kitchen to start cooking, Uriel grabs his arm. Luke cringes from the pain, and looks up at the man.   
‘’You better hide these. I didn’t know you were even capable of doing these, but if somebody finds out… you’re fucked.’’ He threatens while looking at the bandages. Luke nods quickly and is off to the kitchen.  
  
*******************  
  
It’s  around 8 a.m. and he’s walking to school. Well, walking… more like stumbling.’ But hey, what else is new?’ he sarcastically thinks to himself while crossing his arms over his stomach to hold his ribs. He’s actually nervous for today, and it pisses him of. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to act around Cas, Sam and Dean and it makes him feel insecure. And insecurity equals weakness. If he just stayed strong enough yesterday, then I didn’t have to ask that for help, and that would mean that he wouldn’t feel all jittery and nervous for today. ‘I don’t do friends. They’re exhausting and they end up leaving anyway.’ He mutters quietly while finally approaching the school.  
  
‘’ Well hello there, you got the new stash?’’ he suddenly he hears from behind him. Luke keeps walking because he recognizes the voice; Crowley. Luke nods while scanning the school grounds, and digs in his pockets. He pulls out a few bags with weed, and passes it to Crowley. Crowley catches them gracefully and starts walking next to him.   
‘’ Well someone’s grumpy today. You walk like you’ve got a stick shoved up your ass, by the way.’’ Crowley adds with a smug smile. Luke is _not_ in the mood for this, but he has to stay calm.  
‘’ Yeah thanks for noticing. Now fuck off.’’ He snaps, still not making any form of eye contact with the black haired boy beside him. Crowley scoffs and rolls his eyes.  
‘’ Sell all of the weed you’ve got on you in the next three days, and after that I’ll leave you alone. Promise.’’ He offers with a snarky undertone. Luke nods, rolling his eyes again, and walks off.   
  
Crowley and Luke both sell weed for cash. It’s something they of course have to be very careful with, but it gives them both the needed extra money. They share their stashes, and both sell what they’ve got. They can keep every penny, since they already paid for the whole stash beforehand. Luke needs to cash to buy himself food and cigarettes, since Uriel refuses to pay for _anything_.  
  
As soon as he crosses the high school terrain, people approach him for the weed. It makes him angry because it makes him stand out, and he doesn’t need another criminal record. ‘’Guys, not now, not here. Find me after school. Now fuck off’’ he barks, and the students immediately vanish, some of them looking at Luke one last time with big scared eyes. Luke can feel it in anything; today is going to be a bad day. On top of it all he suddenly catches eye with Sam, who’s frowning at him from a few feet away. Luke _knows_ that it’s about the sudden storm of students approaching him just a few seconds ago, but right now he couldn’t give a shit. Who is Sam to invade his life so suddenly? He will leave anyways, so why would he waste any energy in him?  
Luke rolls his eyes and walks inside.  
  
*************  
  
It’s lunch and everybody’s sitting outside as usual, since the weather is quite sunny. Luke grumbles while leaning against a wall and lighting up his cigarette. He scans the school ground and eventually notices Sam, Dean, Cas and even Gabe. Gabe is more like an appendix to the group. He’s sometimes with them, and then he’s sometimes with another group of guys Luke doesn’t know much about.  
Luke inhales deeply and then blows out the smoke. He misses his hood, he feels naked without it. But it’s his own fault, so he just has to deal with this stupid ass jacket.   
Just when he starts to doze off, he hears a few voices approaching him. When he looks up het catches eyes with the one and only Zacharia. He _hates_ the guy. How can one voluntary befriend Uriel?   
  
Suddenly he feels a hand on his shoulder and again he cringes from pain.   
‘’Hello there Luke, would you mind walking along with me so we can talk for a bit?’’ Zacharia offers.  
Luke swats Zacharias’ hand off his shoulder angrily.  
‘’No, just say it here. What is it?’’ he snaps. Zacharia lets out a sigh and crosses his arms.   
‘’Okay, we’ll talk here then. There aren’t that many people over here, anyways.’’   
Luke motions for Zacharia to hurry up while rolling his eyes. He might damage his eyes one day because all of this eye rolling. While waiting for Zacharias’ response he catches Sam, Dean and Cas watching him. And it makes the anger rumbling inside his belly even worse. But he tries to focus on Zacharia, and waits for his answer.  
‘’ Luke your grades are dropping even worse and it worries me and some of the teachers. We know you’re one of the brightest people we have ever had in this school, but… your grades just keep dropping. We worry about you. Maybe you can tell me a bit about… your home situation?’’   
Luke grits his teeth and he can already feel his heart starting to pump because of all the adrenalin getting free.  
‘’Why don’t you ask Uriel? You’re besties right?’’ he fires back sarcastically. It doesn’t relief him one bit, and he starts balling his fists.  
Zacharia sighs.  
‘’Luke I know you have difficulties with the… contact I have with your father’’  
‘’Not. My. Father.’’ Luke grits, eyes now on fire.  
‘’But I honestly don’t know _anything_. Is there something going _on_ between you guys? You can tell, it’s _safe_ with me.’’   
  
And that’s where Luke loses it. He doesn’t even scream at first, he grabs Zacharias’ blazer and pushes him painfully against the wall. He can hear Zacharia gasp in shock and it adds only more fuel to his fire. He doesn’t know _what_ he saying right now, but he knows he’s yelling at this point. He can’t see clearly, vision covered with white and black spots. He feels skin tearing, bones cracking, and he doesn’t even care who’s it is. He just keeps going and going, letting all the anger inside him loose.  
Then he suddenly feels several hands grasping him, and he gets pulled backwards. He tries to fight them of, the hands, the voices, everything and everyone and he can feel himself getting more and more panicked. That’s when he loses balance and actually falls backwards. Somebody has gotten a hold of his hands, and has pinned them above his head. Another person pushes down his legs and it freaks him out. At this point he’s convinced it’s Uriel who’s pinning him down to the ground, and fear is taking over his entire body. It leaves him paralyzed, sweating, and shaking.   
‘’Luke! Luke! Listen to me! It’s me, Sam’’ he hears. This makes him frown. Sam? How did _Sam_ get here?  
  
Slowly he opens his eyes and suddenly he’s face to face with Sam, sitting on his knees besides him. Luke quickly looks up at the people who are pushing down his hands and legs, and he gets greeted with the faces of Cas and Dean, both wide eyed and panting. He can feel shame and panic taking over.  
‘’W-where am I? ‘’ he stutters. He can see relief washing over Sam’s features as he answers.  
‘’You’re at school. You got mad at Zacharia… you flipped shit and now you’re here. Just… look around you for a bit Luke. You’re not at home.’’ Sam says, still panting but with care.  
Luke’s breathing picks up as he looks around him from where he’s lying. He sees empty benches, trashcans, he can see an empty school square.   
‘’Luke try to breath with me, you’re starting to hyperventilate again.’’ He hears Sam say. When Luke looks up at Sam he can _see_ that he cares, and he is lost for words. He feels flooded.  
Sam notices and puts one hand on his chest and the other on his shoulder while inhaling and exhaling deeply.   
  
Slowly Dean and Cas both let go of Luke’s limbs as they help him sit up against the wall.  
‘’Where is he? What time is it?’’ Luke asks confused while frowning. Sam, Dean, and Cas all sit in front of him now, exchanging critical but concerned glances.  
‘’ Zacharia is at the school nurse. You got him good, but fortunately not for long. We were able to get you off him pretty quick.’’ Cas answers.  
Luke sighs and brings his hands to his hair while staring at the ground.  
‘’ Lunch has ended 10 minutes ago. It’s been around 20 minutes since you… lost it. You _really_ lost it, man.’’ Dean adds frowning.  
Luke nods, not knowing where to look.  
‘’Why are you guys here? You’re supposed to be in class, right?’’ He asks confused, while rubbing over the now sour spots on his wrists.  
‘’We missed class.’’ Sam adds curtly. ‘’But that doesn’t matter. We… I… this was _intense_ Luke. What has gotten _into_ you?’’ He asks, traces of shock still evident on his face.  
  
Luke keeps rubbing his wrists while trying to hide his embarrassment.   
“I don’t know. Yeah, I do know, but….’’ He mumbles. One critical glance from Dean and Luke rolls his eyes, surrendering.  
‘’Everybody is suddenly so invested in my life and it’s weird and _scary_. A few months ago I could have dropped dead and nobody would have noticed. And now suddenly there’s you guys, and Zacharia was just… it was too much.’’  
It remains quiet for a bit. Sam and Cas would have loved to protest to what he was saying, but they both know he was right.  
‘’I take it that Zacharia was voicing his concerns about your home situation?’’ Cas asks and Luke nods, uncomfortably looking away again.  
‘’Luke, I get that your life’s not the easiest at the moment but shit like this… this can get you in _jail_. I’m honestly surprised you aren’t already.’’ Sam frowns.  
‘’I have quite the criminal record if that’s what you mean. But Zacharia knows Uriel and well… he would never call the cops on me.’’ Luke explains.  
‘’Well, He actually _has_ called the cops several times. But he always messes with the story, which makes that I can go free quite quickly.’’ He adds.  
The four boys all sit in silent for like a minute. Luke can clearly see that they’re all thinking about the things he just said. Then they all notice two cops walking their way, and Luke sighs.  
‘’Here we go again.’’ He mutters while standing up with quite the trouble.  
Sam, Dean, and Cas all look at him with big eyes.  
‘’Well, if you guys hurry you can still try to get to class.’’ He mumbles, while looking at the approaching cops. The three stand up hesitatingly, while looking confused at each other. Cas takes a step forward towards Luke.  
  
‘’Luke are you sure you want to do this alone?’’ He asks with a frown. Luke scoffs.  
‘’Oh Cassie, you really have no idea, do you?’’ he smiles while shaking his head.  
‘’Luke, not you again!’’ one of the cops suddenly says. The three boys frown at each other, looking how Luke is grabbed by the shoulders and escorted towards the police car. Luke looks back one more time with a tiny smile. He feels like shit, though.  
  
*************  
  
It took him quite some time, but he finally gets to go home. He’s not allowed to go back to school for the rest of the day, which is not that bad. He can kind of use the rest. That’s when he suddenly gets reminded of the weed he still needs to sell, by feeling the little bags in his pocket. ‘Goddamnit’ he mutters while rolling his eyes.

He decides that it won’t be too risky going back to school after classes have ended, because the bleachers are quite a secluded spot. Only the people who know about the weed know that that’s the place to be. He also decides to just hang out at the bleachers since it will take him too much time and energy to first walk home. He goes through the past few days, searching for the last moment he has eaten; yesterday morning, right after Uriel left, and before shit went down. Luke can really recognize the signals coming from his body. He already would have guessed that it has been around a day and a half. ‘After today I’ll be able to buy some food, and maybe finally a goddamn hoodie’ he mutters to himself while walking back towards the high school.  
  
He walks around the building so he won’t have to use the front entrance, and climbs under the bleachers. It’s not really a nice or pretty space or anything. Honestly, it’s just sand and concrete, but to Luke it feels safe. There lays this huge field between the bleachers and the back of the school, which makes this spot feel secluded and hidden away. That’s exactly what Luke needs, dealing weed and hiding from Uriel. Luke sits down and lets the last hour pass, trying to get some rest before the buyers are coming.   
  
It’s busy, maybe even more busier than usual. It takes him some time to decide the right pricing, and to get people to stand in line, but it works. He’s finally almost at the end of the line and he already has 300 dollars cash. He can definitely buy a hoodie and food from this. He catches eyes with Crowley, passing by, and he receives a smug smile. Luke doesn’t smile back, he just doesn’t do that, but he feels just as smug as Crowley.   
  
When he finally finishes the line of buyers he plans a new spot with Crowley for sharing their next stash, and Crowley leaves soon after. They never really talk. Crowley definitely has tried to get to know Luke a bit better, but Luke has always been on edge around that boy. He just doesn’t trust him.   
_And_ there he goes again; his mind immediately thinks of Sam. Sam is a person he actually _wants_ to get to know, and maybe more (definitely not maybe).  Thinking of Sam, he needs to find a way to get his number. This actually shocks him a bit, this is just so the opposite of how he usually approaches and deals with people.  
  
Luke can’t suppress the smile creeping on his face while he walks back home. He even forgets about his pain for a tiny moment, thinking of his next goal; Getting Sam Winchesters’ number.

 


	11. I'm not sure if I can do this alone

Chapter 11: I’m not sure I can do this alone

 

Sam, Dean, and Cas decided not to go to class. They had already missed at least 20 minutes, and they could all use the rest. The three boys walk up towards the field and sit down facing each other. It remains quiet, and any outsider would have been able to _see_ the cogs turning in the boy’s their heads. Sam’s mind was racing, and once again for the same reason; Luke. Sam knows that ideally he should be _repelled_ after everything he has seen of Luke, especially after the fight that just happened. But he can’t. He _can’t_ get Luke out of his head. He _can’t_ see Luke the way others apparently see him. Sam feels like he isn’t able to label Luke as a violent criminal, a reckless bully, or anything like that. Everything that happens to, and around, Luke only seems to make Sam more curious. And he knows that Dean has picked up on it.  
  
‘’So, anything you want to tell me, Sammy?’’ Dean asks with perfect timing while staring him down. What is he supposed to answer to this? Sam looks up at Cas for help, but he only gets a skeptical look back.  
‘’Like what, Dean?’’ Sam answers feigning confusion. His brother answers with a deep sigh and impatiently looks around him.  
‘’Look, Sammy, I know something has been going on. You’re acting vague and you seem _oddly_ interested in Luke. It _worries_ me, Sam. What’s going on? Has he been hurting you? Manipulating? I _heard_ he’s great at that.’’ Dean starts to ramble, radiating protectiveness.    
‘’I… well yeah I do _like_ him. I mean, is it really that weird?’’ Sam hesitatingly asks, already noticing the frown on Dean’s forehead deepening.  
‘’ _Like him?! What_ do you mean with that Sammy? How can you like _him?_ He’s not even _nice_ ’’ Dean starts with frustration, only scowling when Cas gives him a warning look. Sam can feel himself crumbling down. Insecurity, doubt, and shame are taking over as he fidgets with the grass at his feet.  
‘’I- I honestly don’t know what to say, Dean. I mean, you have _seen_ him. You know he’s not the person he pretends to be. I honestly think that he can be a nice person when-'’  
‘’When _what_ , Sammy?’’ Dean snaps.  
‘’When he’s with the right people.’’  
  
It remains silent again. Sam feels his face heating up because of the confession. ‘Well, at least I have only told Dean that I like him as a friend. I can deal with that’ he thinks to himself, catching a tiny smile coming from Cas.  
‘’Sam you know the guy’s dangerous. You _know_ the things he’s done, the way he has been treating people. I just… you know that I just want you to be _safe_.’’  
‘’I know Dean, and I appreciate that up until a certain _point_. I am old enough to make my own decisions and you’re acting like I’m about to marry a psychopath. We’re talking about an 18-year-old dude from high school who, in _my_ opinion, seems nice. It’s nothing, Dean, really.’’ Sam adds, trying to trivialize. Dean doesn’t pick up on it, though, throwing his hands up in confusion.  
‘’ How did he even _get_ into our lives?! I mean, I blink one time and all of a sudden he’s there!’’  
‘’Okay Dean, that’s enough. Sam has made his point and I agree with him. Luke has been more present in your life because he is _my brother_ , and I decided to share that piece of information with you.’’ Cas snaps, shutting Dean down. Sam really appreciates Cas’ input. It can be hard to convince Dean of something he initially disagrees with.  
Dean takes this all in for a few seconds, then letting out a deep breath.  
‘’Yeah okay, I’m sorry Cas. You know I didn’t mean it like that. I just have a hard time with… yeah well, _him_.’’ Dean mumbles, and Sam _swears_ that he can spot him blushing a bit, hardly making eye contact with Cas. Sam frowns and looks back at his feet. The way Dean talks about Luke bugs him. And for the rest of the period, while lying on the field, he can’t shake the feeling off.

**************  
  
It doesn’t get any better after that particular conversation. Dean and Sam drive back home after school together, and Sam can _feel_ the tension radiating off of Dean. When they get home, Sam immediately rushes to his room, fed up with Dean’s whole attitude. Dean really is a kind person, he _knows_ that, but he can be really goddamn stubborn when he wants to.  
  
Sam lets himself fall on his bed but realizes in a few seconds that he won’t be able to relax in this house right now. He needs to get out. He grabs his earphones and phone, sprints downstairs again, grabs his bike outside his house, and drives off.  
Blasting one of his favorite bands Kansas, he cycles through the neighborhood. Without realizing it he has been cycling way further than he initially wanted to, so he takes a break at an old, desolate playground he finds on the side of the road. He throws his bike off of him and sits down on an old wooden bench. Letting out a deep breath, he closes his eyes and lets his mind wander.  
He thinks about school, about Dean, about Dean _and_ Cas, about Luke, and about his future. It scares him, thinking of everything that’s yet to come. _The talk_ with his dad about wanting to go study law.  
  
He feels his breathing quickening, and before he can even comprehend it, he’s hunched over his knees, gasping for air. Because it came so abruptly, he panics even more, and he finds himself not being able to control his breathing. He used to have panic attacks when he was younger, but this one really overwhelms him. The music in his ears keeps on playing but it freaks him out even more. He honestly feels like he’s about to die. Panting and gasping for air he balls his fists, forcing himself to sit up straight. He can't, though, and at this point he feels like there’s no way out anymore. He can’t feel his face due to the massive amount of oxygen entering his brain, and he feels his body getting sweaty. Not being able to think straight, images of his disappointed family are taking over. He can’t stop himself from seeing anything else anymore, and he feels himself spiraling downwards.  
  
Then all of a sudden he feels two hands touching his tensed up shoulders, and he recoils from the sudden contact. He feels one of the hands leaving his shoulder, and pulling out his earphones out of his ears.   
‘’Sam? Sam, _listen to me_.’’  
He hears the person talking, he really does, but he can’t manage to keep his focus on the voice.  
‘’Sam I’m going to push you back, so you’ll sit up straight. Is that okay?’’  
Sam manages to nod, and he feels two strong arms pushing him back up, straightening his back.  
‘’Open your eyes, Sam. You need to get back into reality and you won’t be able to do that with your eyes closed.’’ He hears the person instruct. He hesitatingly opens his eyes, even scared to find out who’s the person helping him.  
  
‘’Come on Sammy, no need to feel embarrassed. Shit can get overwhelming at times, it’s human.’’  
Then Sam suddenly realizes who’s voice he’s been listening to. In shock he opens his eyes making direct eye contact with Luke's, who is now crouching in front of him. Luke is looking all serious, ignoring the way Sam's blatantly staring at him in confusion.  
‘’That’s better. Now try to inhale through your _nose_ for 4 seconds, then exhale through your _mouth_ for 6. I’ll do it with you.’’ Luke keeps on talking, still having his hands on Sam’s shoulders. For a moment he loses himself in the way Luke's lips move and how his hands are making contact with his shoulders, but he tries to gather himself as quickly as possible, not wanting to be obvious.  
Sam does the breathing exercise, and after a few minutes he finds himself being able to control his breathing again. Closing his eyes and groaning in embarrassment, he leans back against the bench he’s sitting on, hiding his face in his hands.  
  
Luke lets go of his shoulders and takes a seat next to him, still observing Sam. After a moment of silence, Sam finally gathers the courage to talk.  
‘’Thanks. I- I didn’t know what happened there. Sorry for the hassle.’’ He mumbles, looking down at his feet.  
‘’No problem. I think it’s quite obvious at this point that I have experience with panic attacks, so yeah. No problem.’’ Luke answers lightly with a little smirk. Sam smiles a little, and then actually _looks up_ at the boy next to him.  
  
‘’How is it that I haven’t really seen you in years, and all of the sudden you’re like… _everywhere_?’’ He wonders. Luke snorts in response.  
‘’Was about to ask you the same thing. What are you even doing here? ‘s not really the place to be’’ he asks curiously. As Luke tilts his head, causing Sam to feel butterflies in his stomach and a blush creeping on his face. Luke quirks his eyebrow, and Sam coughs, answering Luke’s question.  
‘’I don’t know. I was just cycling and I somehow ended up at this… creepy playground.’’  
‘’Why were you even cycling, though?’’ Luke insists.  
‘’I kinda got sick of Dean and his goddamned stubbornness, so I thought it would be best to leave the house for a bit,’’ Sam answers honestly. At this point, he isn’t even shocked about his openness towards Luke. He _is_ shocked, still, about the things Luke does to his mind and body. He feels nerves and butterflies rushing through him, and he can’t restrain himself from sneaking glances at the boy next to him.  
‘’Yeah, not trying to put more fuel to the fire here, but he does seem like quite the stubborn person,’’ Luke smirks, and Sam smiles back in agreement, feeling himself getting all warm inside.  
‘’He’s really kind and protective, though, he really is. But he can be such a pain in the ass sometimes.’’ Sam adds.  
Luke smiles again and slumps on the bench, lying his legs in front of him, and putting his arms behind his back. Sam feels a bit less nervous now that Luke has taken a more relaxed demeanor and he can feel his mind starting to work again.  
‘’How did your little trip to the police station go, by the way?’’ Sam smirks, not hiding the judgment in his tone. Luke opens his eyes and looks at Sam in curiosity, again. It feels like he’s constantly observing and analyzing Sam. Not that he minds, though.  
  
‘’Oh yeah, went great, had a good time, got out after only an hour or so.’’ He answers, voice dripping with sarcasm and Sam snorts.  
‘’But doesn’t it do _anything_ to you? I mean, getting in trouble with the police seems like heavy shit.’’ Sam asks while looking up at Luke again. Luke looks back, stays quiet for a moment, and for a few long seconds, there’s only eye contact. Sam feels like he’s losing himself in those icy blue eyes, and he has to cough to get free again. Luke sucks in a deep breath and starts to answer.  
‘’No not really. Shit like this happens all the time. That’s what you get for having a terrible temper.’’ He answers coolly. Sam can’t help but snort again in response.  
‘’Well I’m not sure about that with Zacharia was just your temper showing, but okay.’’  
Luke frowns and looks questioningly at Sam.  
‘’I-I mean, there definitely wasn’t just anger there, with you. You seemed… scared, too. But it’s alright if you want me to shut up about this.’’ He mutters.  
Luke remains quiet and both boys let their minds wander for a bit.  
  
‘’Wait. What were _you_ doing here anyway?’’ Sam suddenly asks.  
‘’Oh I was just…I don’t know.’’ Luke mutters. Sam quirks an eyebrow, motioning for Luke to elaborate.  
‘’I- I don’t like being home so I just… wander around.’’ He mutters again.  
‘’ _If_ I’m physically able to, at least.’’ He adds.  
‘’May I ask you how you’re doing right now?’’ Sam quietly asks, hesitatingly looking up at Luke. Sam can _see_ the confusion and discomfort on his face. The same way he’s seen it other times when he showed care. It hurts him a little to realize that the feeling of being cared of is so foreign to him.  
‘’Doing…alright. I guess. I don’t know what to say.’’ Luke reluctantly answers while kicking with his feet into the sand of the playground.  
‘’Okay, just tell me when I’m going too far. I’m just curious about the state you’re in, I guess.’’  
Luke nods absently at that. Unconsciously, Luke has grabbed a little transparent bag with powder from his pocket during the conversation. He was now feeling it up between his middle and index finger, making him look even more vulnerable. Sam decides not to point it out and answers him with a weak smile. It remains quiet for a while again.  
  
‘’We’re fucked up’’ Luke suddenly snorts all of the sudden, shaking his head. Sam can’t help but laugh along with him.  
‘’Well at least I’m not alone on this one, anymore.’’ Sam smiles, radiating insecurity. Luke smiles back, and with such sincerity that it really _touches_ Sam. A few weeks ago he couldn’t have imagined sitting _voluntarily_ on a bench with Luke, talking about his private life. A few weeks ago Luke was scary and distant.  
Sam’s train of thoughts gets interrupted by the vibrations coming from his phone. He sighs, rolls his eyes tiredly, and answers the phone.  
‘’Yeah?’’  
‘’Where _are_ you, man? Couldn’t you just tell me if you were heading out? It takes only a few _seconds_ man!’’ Dean snaps at him.  
‘’I’m just… cycling around. Nothing’s wrong, you really shouldn’t worry so much. Next time I’ll let you know, though.’’  
Sam hears some muttering on the other side of the line but is too fed up with him to ask for him to repeat.  
‘’I’ll be back in half an hour. Okay? Bye’’ he says neutrally, and he hangs up the phone.  
  
Sam expected a smirk or anything witty from Luke, but the boy’s currently silently staring at his hands.  
‘’I’m sorry, that was Dean,’’ Sam explains, and Luke nods at that, still not taking his eyes off his hands.  
‘’Sam? Was I the reason you guys were fighting?’’ he suddenly asks in all seriousness.  
‘’What? Why do you think that?’’  
‘’You didn’t mention me.’’ Luke smiles weakly, looking up from his hands at Sam. Sam’s heart stops for a second, processing the look filled with hurt that Luke had given him.  
‘’Yeah, I’m sorry. He… doesn’t like you. He thinks you’re out to hurt me and stuff like that.’’ Sam mutters, feeling embarrassed.  
‘’And what makes you think I’m not?’’  
Sam’s head shoots up at that.  
‘’Are you serious? Why would I think that? I like our conversations. I feel resemblance and I don’t see any reason why you would _hurt_ me.’’ Sam answers honestly.  
Luke sucks in a breath through his nose again, obviously bewildered by Sam’s statement.  
‘’Sam... I’m going to be honest here, I don’t know what I’m doing, okay?’’ Luke states while almost looking desperate.  
‘’I-I don’t _do_ friendships or whatever. It has never worked out well for me, and I just thought one day that it wasn’t worth the… pain anymore.’’  
Sam can’t help but to notice how truly lost Luke looks, nonetheless he lets out a soft smile.  
‘’Well I can deal with that. Luke, I’d never…cross your boundaries. I just honestly like hanging out with you. Without the… violence, the _bullying_. You’re a nice guy you know, and I think it’s getting quite obvious that I don’t know what I’m doing either, so yeah. Cheers to that.’’ Sam says, ending with a smirk. Sam has just said some risky stuff, but he isn’t scared. He can read Luke, he _understands_ Luke, unlike he’s ever been able to with anyone else before.  
Luke replies with a smile, but his eyes are still filled with doubt and fear.  
  
‘’Does that mean I can _finally_ get your number now?’’ He suddenly asks with a challenging smirk, and Sam believes his heart rate just tripled. He can’t believe Luke’s actually asking him for his number.  
“Yeah sure, but then I really need to go back, though. I feel like if I stay away any longer Dean will start a search party.’’ Sam answers, trying to play it cool.  
‘’Which probably only consists of Cas’’ Luke adds with sarcasm and Sam laughs.  
They switch phone numbers, he grabs his bike from the ground, waves one less time at Luke, and drives off. This time he doesn’t even _try_ to hide the smile on his face.

**************  
Sam actually feels better when he finally gets home, letting himself fall down on the couch. He feels almost _relieved_. The problems that earlier all felt so insurmountable, now all feel manageable again.  
‘’Sammy, there’s pizza in the microwave. Dad will be home tomorrow morning, he just called.’’  
Sam nods, curiously looking up at the tiredness in Dean’s voice. The way Dean looks kind of shocks him; messy hair, bags under his eyes.  
‘’Dean are you okay? What happened? This is not about me going cycling, right?’’ Sam immediately worries. Dean remains quiet for a while, and Sam gets reminded of Luke because of how introvert Dean is.  
‘’Come on, Dean, you look like shit. Tell me what happened.’’ Sam tries again, and it works. Dean lets himself fall on the couch, letting out a huge sigh.  
‘’I don’t know Sammy. One moment we were all _happy_ and _carefree_ and the other moment-‘’  
Dean brings his hands to his hair.  
‘’Shit went down and I don’t know how or why.’’ He mutters.  
‘’Is this about you and Cas?’’ Sam says with a knowing smile, and this time he actually _sees_ Dean blushing.  
‘’Yeah, it is. Things have- they have changed and I am _so_ scared it will tear us apart. It’s not like I wasn’t terrified enough already when I realized I-’’ He says, looking down at his feet, not finishing his sentence.  
‘’Dean, whatever happened, you guys will be alright. I mean _come on_ , I have never seen two people getting along _so_ well. You guys are perfect for each other-‘’ Dean’s head shoots up at this in panic.  
‘’Oh come on Dean, you guys have been acting like two lovesick _puppies_ for the last few months. I don’t mind though, but trust me when I tell you that you guys will be alright again. Just give yourself _and_ Cas some time and space to process everything that has happened. It’ll be okay.’’  
Dean’s eyes are wide open in shock, embarrassment creeping over his entire face, and Sam can’t deny that he doesn’t enjoy this.  
‘’Just- just give him some time. He’ll come around.’’ Sam finishes with a tiny smile while standing up and patting Dean on the back.  
The last thing he sees hears before leaving the living room is Dean mumbling ‘’I goddamn _hope_ so’’, and Sam can only be happy because they _finally_ admitted their feelings for each other.

********  
Sam has been staring at his phone screen for a good 10 minutes now, filled with doubt if he should message Luke. He thinks about what Luke must be doing right now, and only the fact that he lives with Uriel gives him the chills. It does push him over the edge though, and he finally manages to message the other boy. It’s with shaking hands that he does this, but at least he’s doing it.  
  
Me to Luke:   
_They finally confessed their feelings for each other. About goddamn time._

Sam’s heart is in his throat while pressing the ‘send’ button. ‘Okay, this was stupid. I look _so_ desperate right now. What if he doesn’t want to talk to me again? What if he thinks I’m stupid and childish for messaging him so soon? Why did I even _do_ that?!’  are a few of the thoughts racing through his mind. They don’t get a chance to continue, though, because his phone screen suddenly lights up.  
  
**Luke to Me:**  
_This could have been done a few months ago if they had just listened to me -.-  
_  
**Me to Luke:**  
_lol well at least they finally made it. I think it was kinda dramatic though  
_  
**Luke to Me:**  
_Too bad I didn’t get to listen in on that. Need some new blackmail material for Cas ;)  
  
_ Sam feels like a girl, smiling at the wink emoticon Luke send him. ‘Oh god, what did I get myself into?’ he mumbles, rolling his eyes at himself. He decides that it’s probably best to wrap the conversation up now, in fear that if he keeps talking any longer he’ll start saying impulsive stuff he will regret. This all is still quite new to him; talking to a person you like, talking to  _a guy_ you like. He hates to think of it, but it certainly helps that Dean apparently has a thing for dudes, too. That  _dude_ is not the stereotypical bad guy, who is feared by everyone, though. Oh well.  
  
**Me to Luke:**  
_I don’t even want to know why you’d need to blackmail him lol. I’m off to bed, gn :)_  
  
And only half a minute later he gets a message back, wishing him goodnight too. Sam’s day may have been slightly dramatic and exhausting, he’s finally _really_ talking to Luke, and that evens everything out again. He feels like he's gained a new friend. Maybe not a person he would have expected to befriend in the first few moments, but he can't ignore the fact that he really feels understood when he's with Luke. Like Luke sees him for who he  _really_ is.   
Sam puts his phone on the bedside table, giving a glance at the picture of his mom. He stays silent for a few seconds, stroking the picture with his fingers. Then he puts the picture back on his bedside table and he disappears underneath the covers.  
  
He doesn't fall asleep anytime soon, though. His mind wanders off pretty quickly, back to Luke. 'What would his bedroom be like? What is he doing right now?', and after a moment of thinking, he suddenly realizes that the drugs Luke carries with him, might be a bit more of a problem than he pretended it to be. Sam thinks back to the night they carried him over to his house, high on heroine. How could he have forgotten about that?   
He doesn't get mad at himself for it, though. Luke is known to be a pretty goddamn genius, and if he wants to hide something, he'll find a way to do that.   
'Doesn't work with me, though.' Sam mumbles while pulling the blankets further over his face.   
  
It takes him 2 hours, but then he finally falls asleep.  
He ends up sleeping more peaceful than he has _in weeks._


	12. So May I Hold Onto You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> This has been taking me quite some time, Sorry for that!  
> I have been experiencing panic and anxiety a lot lately, and it really made it harder for me to write.
> 
> Well, I hope you guys like it!  
> xxxx
> 
> Diamonds

Luke honestly didn’t expect his day to start of like this. Last night he fell asleep actually feeling _happy_. Happier than he has felt in years, at least. But this morning, only by opening his eyes, he just knew that this would not be his day.   
  
He groans, pressing his eyes shut again, trying to drown out the world for a bit longer. His alarm keeps on ringing, though, so eventually he lets out a deep breath and pushes himself up from the mattress. It is while standing up and stretching his arms, that he notices something weird; it’s quiet. As in, _actually_ quiet. He can’t hear Uriel’s voice, he doesn’t hear his footsteps, nothing. Luke frowns and immediately feels on edge. He hastily dresses and grabs his stuff together, pushing it in his bag, while eyeing his bedroom door. He isn’t used to silence in his house, and it makes him wary and kind of paranoid. He lifts his backpack from the ground and onto his back, bringing his hand through his messy blond hair one last time.   
  
Slowly he opens his bedroom door, not being able to prevent it from making the loudest creaking sound ever. Still, there’s no response from Uriel. Luke shortly wonders if Uriel could be dead, not supressing the feelings of relieve filling his body. He silently walks down the stairs, his body feeling stiff from the adrenaline it’s releasing. That’s when his  phone suddenly starts buzzing in the pocket in his pants. Luke nearly jumps three feet into the air, feeling his heart pumping in his chest  from shock. He hastily grabs his phone and answers, only to be greeted by Uriel’s harsh voice.

‘’I won’t be home for a few days. Didn’t have the time  to leave a note, so don’t think I’m actually calling you out of _care._ ’’ Uriel immediately starts talking, sounding gruff.   
At first Luke nods, only being just awake, then he pushes himself to answer.  
‘’Okay. When will you be back?’’ he tries to ask as careless as possible, trying to hide the shakiness in his voice too.  
‘’Why, are you hungry already? Good luck with that, you’ll have to wait a few days for your next meal.’’   
It’s as Luke’s stomach is listening too, because as soon as Uriel’s finished answering, it starts to rumble.  
“Okay’’ Luke tries neutrally, again. He hears Uriel huff on the other side, and Luke can easily imagine the way Uriel’s shaking his head right now with disapproval.  
“Oh, and Luke? Just remember that you’re worthless.’’ Uriel starts again, his voice almost hinting a smile.  
‘’Just wanted to tell you, cause I won’t be able to for the next few days.’’ Uriel smugly adds, and directly after that Luke’s confronted with the harsh tone of a dead line.  


He lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, staring numbly at the display of his phone. He can _feel_ the pent up aggression, fear and depression crashing through his head, trying to find a way out. He stiffens, standing motionless in the middle of the living room. It feels like the sea inside him is being hit by a storm; pushing his blood through his veins ten times harder, making his hands shake, and his mind wondering whether he should scream or just disappear. Luke recognizes what’s happening. He recognizes being hit by emotions so badly that he almost shuts down. He recognizes the fact that his mind is now only thinking in extremes. He recognizes the voice of Uriel, chanting his worthlessness through his head.  
  
Slowly he rubs his face with the both of his hands, wondering how he’s going to actually function today, where he’s going to find the energy to _blend in_ with the rest of the students today. His mind races, trying to find a quick solution. He hasn’t got enough time to pass Balth’s house for some hard drugs. Weed isn’t going to do the trick as it will only make him more drowsy.   
  
That’s when his eyes catch the liquor closet, standing on the edge between the kitchen and the living room. Luke gives himself three full seconds to hesitate, fully knowing that he’ll do it anyway, as he walks over to the closet. He roughly scans the numerous bottles, being stacked onto each other, swift-handily grabbing the bottle containing pure Vodka.   
  
He exhales deeply and then brings the bottle to his lips, gulping at least 5 times. He messily places the bottle on the coffee table while cleaning his mouth with the back of his hand, trying to deal with the burning liquid now passing his throat. He lets out another breath and brings the bottle to his lips, taking a few big gulps, again.   
  
While swallowing the last bit down, he grabs his phone and lights up the display, checking the time. He notices that he’s almost too late for class, so he grabs his backpack and hurries towards the school, only nearly losing balance like 3 times.

\--------

The good thing about alcohol is the fact that it makes Luke feel happier. Like the world isn’t such a bad place, like there’s still hope. Alcohol lets the weight pressing down on his shoulders vanish for a few hours, leaving him to feel almost weightless. Which means that the classes are easier to endure than normal, too. And _that_ means that he actually gets a chance to learn something, because he isn’t as heavily influenced by thoughts of Uriel as usual. It all seems to be going rather smoothly. Although that is, until one of the teacher asks him a question, leaving him and the rest of his class to wait for his answer.   
  
Now you see, Luke hasn’t eaten much in the last few days, and he’s only just awake, so the alcohol kicked in a little harder than it… normally would. Luke, being the extremely self-aware person that he is, had already noticed this, and concluded that as long as he wouldn’t have to speak, people wouldn’t notice the fact that he’s nearly drunk.  
  
As if everything was just _meant_ to go wrong today, he then catches eyes with both Cas and Sam, looking expectantly at him.  
‘’Luke? Did you actually _hear_ me?’’ his math teacher now asks him, trying to keep her face neutral.  
The silence between her asking that question and Luke trying to figure a way out of answering, is deafening. None of his fellow classmates actually have the guts to laugh at him, though, so at least _that’s_ a good thing.  
  
Luke reluctantly clears his throat, rehearsing the answer he’s about to give over and over in his head in rapid speed. He looks up at the teacher, trying to look as sober as possible.  
‘’42,9’’ he answers.  
The teacher keeps looking at him for a few seconds and then slowly starts nodding her head.  
‘’You’re right, just checking if you were paying attention. Anyway-‘’ and she continues talking to the rest of the class.  
  
Luke feels the need to blow out some air out of relief but refrains himself when he catches both Cas and Sam _still_ watching him. Now only their glances weren’t expectantly, but more … frowny. Luke huffs at himself because of his choice of words, which only seems to deepen their frowns.  
He shrugs carelessly, and brings his eyes back to his hands, tapping on the table. It takes a few seconds, but then he can see Cas and Sam both turning back around in their seats, paying attention to the teacher, again.  
  
Just when he’s about to continue his thinking process from before it was interrupted, he feels his mobile phone buzzing in his pocket. He clumsily pats at his upper leg, trying to locate the exact spot of his phone, before grabbing the thing.  
_1 new message_. He reads. Curiously he opens the message, though, after reading it he deletes it just as fast.  
  
_From_ Sam _to_ Me: _Luke r u alright? U look like ur about to throw up man. Just wonderin’_  
\----------------------------  
  
It is lunchtime and Luke is pleasantly surprised to notice that he’s _still_ definitely under the influence of alcohol. It really has brightened his day so far, and it’s not like he hasn’t done it before.  
He contently wanders towards the side of the building, letting his body fall back against the wall, as he clumsily tries to light his cigarette.   
  
After a few tries, he actually manages to let the lighter drop on the ground, sighing hopelessly. ‘’Goddamnit’’ he mumbles while unsteadily trying to reach for the thing on the ground. It doesn’t work and he lets himself fall tiredly.   
He stares at his legs, lying out in front of him, as he tries to remember why he was on the ground in the first place. His train of thoughts gets interrupted by two firm hands, pressing on his shoulders. ‘’Oh fuck’’ he accidentally mumbles out loud, while slowly looking at the person crouching in front of him. To his horror he is greeted with the stern face of Zacharia.   
  
‘’Luke, I actually wanted to talk with you about the... situation we ended up in recently. But it seems like you’ve got something else on your mind.’’ Zacharia states with a frown while examining Luke’s state of being.  
It doesn’t happen often, but Luke actually feels ashamed of himself right now. He realizes how stupid he must look, sitting on the ground with his legs stretched out in front of him, his even messier hair than usual, his jacket having fallen off of one shoulder, and his lighter lying on the ground a meter further down.   
  
He drops his gaze and tries to let the following words leave his mouth as neatly as possible.  
‘’What do you mean, sir?’’  
Zacharia is not only frowning at this point, but he even looks _concerned_.   
‘’Luke… what’s going on with you? You never  call me sir and why are you sitting on _the_ _ground_?’’   
Luke dully looks up at Zacharia, feeling somehow even dizzier right now.  
‘’Okay let's go to my office so we can continue this conversation in _private’’_ Zacharia mumbles, still frowning, while motioning towards the group of students watching them.  
  
Luke takes the hint and nods while slowly pushing himself off of the ground. As if things weren’t already bad enough, he manages to lose his balance _again_ as he falls back onto the ground. Before he can try to set it straight with some kind of witty remark, he’s being lifted off the ground by Zacharia. Zacharia was standing behind him, bringing his arms underneath Luke’s armpit, lifting him up and fully supporting Luke’s bodyweight.   
Luke feels horrible when he looks down at his own body while trying to suppress the urge to start screaming, just to suppress the feelings of embarrassment. In the meantime, Zacharia has thrown one of Luke’s arms over his own shoulders, standing beside him.   
  
‘’Okay Luke, we’re going to start walking now. Just lean on me.’’  
For a brief moment Luke wonders about a lot of things. Why Zacharia keeps being nice to him, for example. Or why it has gotten so quiet on the terrain around him. He also wonders if Sam is among the watching students right now, and what he would think if he would see this. But Luke doesn’t want to think about those things, so he lets them go, letting himself being carried into the school by Zacharia.  
  
\-----------------------------------  
‘’Walk from your chair to the wall in a straight line. _That’s_ how you can convince me that you’re actually sober.’’ Zacharia orders impatiently while tapping his foot on the ground.   
  
Luke gives up, rolls his eyes, and carefully lifts himself up of the chair. He takes some time to stand up more steadily, and he starts walking towards the wall. Although it’s taking him a lot of effort and concentration, Luke manages to walk straight for about three steps. Just when he feels the feeling pride blooming in his chest, he loses his balance, tripping over his own feet and falling against the wall. Zacharia is quick and carries him back to his chair, letting him fall back on it with a ungraceful thud.  
  
Zacharia keeps staring at him from behind his desk, neatly folding his hands on it.   
‘’Luke, you _do_ know that it is absolutely illegal to be drunk on the property of this school?’’  
Luke stays still, staring at the ground.  
He nearly falls off his chair by what happens next, though. Zacharia has slammed his hand on his desk, yelling out his name.   
‘’ _What’s going on with you? Why are you drunk at 10 in the morning?! Are you goddamn crazy? Luke you’ve got to talk with me otherwise I fear that I’ll have to suspend you… for ever!’’_ Zacharia yells, looking all desperate and powerless with the way his eyes are wide and his arms are flailing.   
It remains quiet for at least 10 full seconds.  
After contemplating Luke finally answers.  
‘’It’s none of your damn business.’’ He says all stubborn.   
  
Zacharia answers with a huge sigh as he brings his hands to his face.  
‘’Luke, believe it or not, but I like you. I _want_ what’s best for you because I _know_ you have the potential to become great in life. But the way you’re behaving these last few… ever, I can’t keep defending you. Go home, sleep it off. If you change your mind, my door is always open for you to talk. If you show up either drunk or high _one more time_ , you’ll be forced to leave this school, and continue somewhere else.’’  
Luke nods, not exactly surprised by the things Zacharia is telling him. That’s the worst part, Luke kind of understands him.   
  
He carefully stands up, leaving the office without closing the door behind him. He walks outside, towards the front of the school, and sits down on the edge of the side walk. This time he manages to light his cigarette, and he eagerly smokes it.   
  
There is a bad side of alcohol he has kind of forgotten about beforehand, though; it makes him needy. It makes him feel like he’s in need for attention, for affection. This might explain why he does what he’s doing right now.  
  
By now Luke has grabbed his phone, opening up a new message directed at Sam.  
_To_ Sam _From_ Me: _nothing goinn on. Gonna go home now_

Before he even realizes it, he has pressed the send button. He lights up another cigarette, knowing that he now has the whole day off, and he waits for a response. He doesn’t have to wait long, though, because suddenly there’s someone taking place next to him on the sidewalk.  
Luke, still feeling hazy as hell, notices it later than usual and looks up at the person with surprise.  
  
He’s greeted with a soft smile from Sam, who is leaning back on his hands. Luke doesn’t even try to hide the excitement now that Sam’s actually sitting beside him.  
‘’So, you’re going home. Why?’’ Sam asks without avoiding the subject.  
  
Luke sighs, which ends with him accidentally swaying a bit into Sam. He quickly tries to get himself to sit back up straight, avoiding eye contact with the other boy.  
‘’I may or may not be drunk.’’ He blurts out.   
Well, that’s just great Luke. You were doing _so well_ by not telling Zacharia anything, now you just _have_ to ruin it. All because you have a pathetic crush on a boy who is way too good for you.  
  
‘’What?!’’ Sam raises his voice. ‘’how?! Why?! Dude are you crazy? You can’t just show up at school all _drunk_ and stuff!’’ Sam says while looking at him with wide eyes.  
Luke remains silent again, studying his cigarette, almost burning himself with it. Sam has noticed, though, and he carefully takes the cigarette away from his fingers, throwing it away.  
Luke actually has to take a moment to gather himself because of the fact that their fingers touched and _oh my god Luke stop being so pathetic._ He thinks, mad at himself for acting so fragile.  
  
‘’I- I just felt like I wanted to get drunk. It’s not like I had to put a lot of effort into it, though. I mean, drinking on an empty stomach….’’ Luke motions vaguely with his hands.   
‘’Gets ya drunk quite easily.’’ He finishes.  
He hears Sam sighing in response.   
‘’Luke, what do you want me to do, man?’’ he mumbles, pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers.   
‘’I keep finding you high or drunk, _or both_. And _when_ you’re sober, you’re fighting! I really want to help you but why do you feel the need to act this…problematic?’’  
  
Luke heart speeds up. ‘This is it’ he thinks to himself. This is the conversation he has had with several people, all have left him because of his behavior. ‘This is the moment that Sam will leave.’ He adds.  
He hesitatingly turns his gaze towards Sam, who is frowning at him, looking almost annoyed.   
‘Fuck it.’ Luke suddenly thinks, and before he’s even fully aware of it, he’s talking again.  
  
‘’He called me, Uriel. He called me to say that he’d be gone for the next few days and that he didn’t leave any money which means that I’d have to wait for him to come back in hope that he will finally give me… food again. And Sam I can’t, I’m hungry already because it’s been a day or two and I _tried_ , I really _tried_ , to come off as neutral as possible so that he would end the phone call, but he kept on calling me worthless and I-‘’   
Luke’s rambling abruptly halts when he feels a hand on his upper arm. His eyes are wide with surprise and shock, and he has to take a moment to realize what he has just been confessing to Sam. _To Sam. ‘Fuck.’_  
  
It takes him a few seconds to get the courage, but then he slowly looks up, searching for Sam's eyes.  
Sam is already staring at him, though, his eyes filled with concern and empathy.  
Luke immediately backs off, almost crawling backward.   
‘’No no no no ‘’ he repeats with wide eyes.  
‘’Luke, are you alright? What’s happening?’’ he hears Sam asking.  
‘’I- I do not need your pity. I’m not some charity-case’’ he rambles, not knowing where to put his hands to stand back up.  
  
‘’Luke look at me, I am _not_ pitying you. Never. I do have empathy for you, though. Now sit back down and relax a little.’’ Sam adds with a certain kind of softness in his voice. It works well on Luke and he feels the tension leaving his body again. They both remain quiet for a minute, until their silence is interrupted by the bell, signalling for class to start.  
  
‘’Good luck with whatever class you’re having now,’’ Luke mumbles, getting ready to walk home.  
Sam huffs and shakes his head.  
‘’Luke you honestly think that I’m going to let you walk back home on your _own_ while being _drunk?_ ’’  
Luke doesn’t even get a chance to respond, as Sam is already walking next to him. The efforts of trying to answer at the same time as walking, make him almost trip again, and he feels the way Sam effortlessly catches him.  
  
‘’Is it okay if I help you walk?’’ Sam adds, no trace of laughing at him. Luke frowns a bit at that, and then succeeds to nod his head. Sam nods back and carefully grabs Luke’s arm, putting it over his shoulders. Sam then grabs the hand hanging over Sam’s chest with his own hand, and puts his other hand around Luke’s waist. Luke briefly wonders why Sam hasn’t offered to just bring Luke home with his car, but he quickly tosses that thought aside. The thought of Sam’s hands on _his_ body is way more persistent, and he allows himself to enjoy this new kind of sensation for as long as he can.  
  
It takes them only 25 minutes before they arrive at Luke’s home. Most of it was in a comfortable silence.  
  
\-------------------  
  
Sam opens the door and lets Luke in, closing the door shut after him. Luke stumbles over towards the couch, letting himself fall down on it with a groan.  
‘’Well what a great day it is’’ he mumbles with sarcasm.  
Sam huffs and sits in the chair beside of where Luke is lying.   
‘’Well, what do you usually do when you have a day off?’’ He asks curiously, trying to help Luke to find some way of spending his time without boring himself to death.  
  
Luke lets his arm fall off the couch, patting the ground until he’s found one of the many bottles lying underneath the couch. He grabs it, curiously eyeing the label.  
‘’Huh, I have been searching for this one’’ he mumbles while unscrewing the cap, completely forgetting about Sam’s question.  
He takes a swig from a bottle partly filled with whiskey, taking his time to actually swallow it, then letting the bottle drop back on the floor.  
He watches Sam from the corners of his eyes just barely managing to catch the bottle and putting it on the coffee table.  
  
He contently feels the liquor spreading through his blood, and he can’t help but smile. He vaguely notices that Sam’s about to say something, but he doesn’t get the chance.  
‘’Right now I’m happy Sam. I’m _actually_ happy. Do you know how long it’s been since I was truly happy?’’ Luke mumbles, eyeing up Sam’s carefully blanc expression.  
‘’Luke’’ Sam sighs. ‘’It horrifies me to hear about how Uriel speaks to you, and I honestly can kind of get why you’re behaving the way you do, but you’re ruining yourself. You’re ruining your future.’’   
  
Luke let’s out a humorless laugh.   
‘’He thinks I have a future’’ he smiles to himself, speaking out loud.  
‘’Of course, I think that. But Luke… the way you’re treating yourself right now-‘’  
‘’Oh Sammy stop. I thought you would be better than this. Just cut the bullcrap. I’m not worth shit and my future is hopeless, you don’t have to conceal that with ‘so-called’ empathy.’’   
  
Sam looks mildly shocked, probably wondering how a drunk is able to talk that flawlessly.  
‘’Just… you can go home now okay. You’ll have _the talk_ with your brother and dad, it’ll take time but eventually, they’ll come around, and you’ll end up as a successful lawyer with two kids and a wonderful wife.’’ Luke rambles, looking mostly bored at this point.  
  
‘’Okay Luke, that’s enough!’’ Sam snaps, and he stands up, towering above Luke. He quickly crouches down when he notices the alarm and fear setting off, in Luke’s eyes.  
‘’Stop bringing yourself down, and stop putting me on a pedestal. This is doing neither of us any good. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but _I like you_ and whether I’ll turn out to be a lawyer or not, nothing can change this. I care for you Luke, and you can push me all you want, but I _know_ you. I _know_ the way you work.’’ Sam adds.  
  
Luke suddenly feels even more pathetic and useless than he already did. Lying there, being drunk and unstable and messy, right in front of Sam. He can’t help it as he can feel himself going rigid, motionless, just like this morning. He can feel his hands starting to shake, as he quickly turns his head away from Sam, nuzzling his face into the couch.   
  
He can feel Sam’s hand slowly landing on his shoulder.   
He can feel Sam’s other hand carefully grabbing his chin, turning his head back, facing Sam.  
‘What do I do? This is getting too much. How am I supposed to behave?’ he desperately thinks to himself. He locks eyes with Sam, feeling taken aback by the amount of affection and care Sam radiates, and he wonders how Sam feels, knowing that he’s extremely vulnerable right now.  
  
‘’I- I’m scared. It hurts, Sammy.’’ Luke whispers, not breaking eye contact.  
‘’I know Luke, I’m scared too. We’ll figure something out, I promise.’’ Sam answers softly, however he does break the eye contact, to look down with insecurity covering his features.  
  
That’s when Luke lets go of the last tiny bit of grip he had.  
He slowly brings a hand to the side of Sam’s face, not being able to fully register it because of the adrenalin pumping through his body.  
It’s Sam who eventually closes the distance and presses his mouth against Luke’s. At first, Luke feels overwhelmed, not knowing what to do about all the things he’s feeling, about the way his body reacts. Then he kisses back, slowly moving his lips along with Sam.  
  
Sam shifts a bit and lifts himself up from his knees so that he is sitting next to Luke on the couch, not once breaking the kiss. Luke lets one hand stay on Sam’s jaw, while his other hand is now curiously feeling up Sam’s biceps.   
  
The kiss is slow. As if they’re both scared to break either the other, or their connection they’re experiencing. At least, it _begins_ slow. Slowly but surely the kiss turns out into a full make out session. They both display their curiosity freely, by exploring each other’s bodies. Luke can’t comprehend the way his body and mind reacts to Sam the moment he lays a hand on his chest. Or when he’s stroking Luke’s jawline. Or when he’s bringing his hand to his hair. Luke feels himself getting dizzy, and it has _never_ felt better.  
  
He slowly stops the kiss, staring at Sam in awe as they both pant for air.  
‘’I- wow’’ Sam starts, letting out a tiny, surprised laugh. He immediately sees the insecurity appearing on Luke’s face, though, so he elaborates it quickly while continuing to stroke his jawline.  
‘’That- _you_ were amazing Luke. I’m- A little bit overwhelmed here. I never thought you would _actually_ want to…kiss me’’ Sam mumbles while dropping his head onto Luke’s chest.  
Luke brings a hand to Sam’s hair and huffs.  
  
‘’Sam I liked you from the start. I just… thought that you would _never_ like _me._ You’re way too smart and cute for me.’’ Luke tries to laugh it off.  
Sam lifts his head from Luke’s chest and pushes his forehead against his.  
‘’We both, _honestly_ , have self-esteem issues’’ he humors, and Luke can’t help but snort in response.  
  
‘’We’ll find a way, I guess.’’ He then mumbles while looking at Sam with lidded eyes. Sam bites his lip, lets out a breath, then locks their lips together again. Luke doesn’t think twice before caressing Sam’s body again, curious to find out who the boy truly is.   


**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a kudo if you think this story is worth continuing!


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